tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-162109512024-03-06T23:06:27.556-05:00The Assimilated NegroBlack is the New BlackT.A.N.http://www.blogger.com/profile/03386902584581113328noreply@blogger.comBlogger1137125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16210951.post-68005929327357001882020-03-21T16:19:00.003-04:002021-12-23T06:01:34.772-05:00TAN Video Archive<iframe allow="autoplay; fullscreen" allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="368" src="https://player.vimeo.com/video/4915269" width="640"></iframe>
<a href="https://vimeo.com/4915269">A Bronx Tale: In Search of Sonia Sotomayor</a> from <a href="https://vimeo.com/user1608803">weekendvids</a> on <a href="https://vimeo.com/">Vimeo</a>.<br />
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<iframe allow="accelerometer; autoplay; encrypted-media; gyroscope; picture-in-picture" allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="315" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/g3A_7A0wGwg" width="560"></iframe>
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<iframe allow="autoplay; fullscreen" allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="480" src="https://player.vimeo.com/video/4326612" width="640"></iframe>
<a href="https://vimeo.com/4326612">Talking with The Roots (pt.1)</a> from <a href="https://vimeo.com/user1608803">weekendvids</a> on <a href="https://vimeo.com/">Vimeo</a>.<br /><br />
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<iframe allow="accelerometer; autoplay; encrypted-media; gyroscope; picture-in-picture" allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="315" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/lU38P1MvnCU?start=39" width="560"></iframe>T.A.N.http://www.blogger.com/profile/03386902584581113328noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16210951.post-38053876795523722192019-11-07T10:38:00.002-05:002019-11-07T10:38:42.799-05:00It's Alive?!??!<br />
Mostly Letters & Words:<br />
<br />
Grantland (RIP): <a href="https://grantland.com/hollywood-prospectus/otis-video-kanye-and-jay-z-get-happy/">Otis</a>, <a href="https://grantland.com/hollywood-prospectus/at-roger-eberts-timestalk/">Roger Ebert</a>, <a href="https://grantland.com/hollywood-prospectus/watch-the-diploma-on-the-andover-rap-video/">Notes on Prep School Rap Videos</a><br />
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Gawker (RIP): My <a href="https://gawker.com/148076/gawkers-special-correspondent-for-brown-people-issues-nyo-on-lily-white-magland">first</a>, my <a href="https://gawker.com/can-the-creator-of-boondocks-deliver-the-black-jesus-we-1618167894">last</a>, a photo tour of <a href="https://gawker.com/5227723/ghetto-pass-a-picture-tour-of-spanish-harlem">Spanish Harlem</a>, going to <a href="https://gawker.com/5273214/a-bronx-tale-in-search-of-sonia-sotomayor">the Bronx</a> to talk Sonia Sotomayor (video), <a href="https://gawker.com/5267221/the-sasha-grey-interview-experience">The Sasha Grey Interview Experience</a> was controversial.<br />
<br />
The Root: <a href="https://www.theroot.com/the-bump-heard-round-the-world-1790869503">Obama Dap Day</a> (quel scandale! those were the days...)<br />
<br />
Vulture: <a href="https://www.vulture.com/2008/02/broadways_allblack_cat_feature.html">James Earl Jones</a> 🤔<br />
<br />
N+1: <a href="https://www.amazon.com/What-Was-Hipster-Sociological-Investigation/dp/0982597711">Hipsters and Hip Hop</a><br />
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<a href="https://www.amazon.com/Negropedia-Assimilated-Negros-Course-Experience/dp/030746380X">Negropedia</a><br />
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Now, new and improved...</div>
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T.A.N.http://www.blogger.com/profile/03386902584581113328noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16210951.post-31533580639704490392012-09-29T09:18:00.000-04:002021-12-23T06:11:04.745-05:00The Case of Will Leitch & The Burning Q-Tip<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjOy-JPoMOLj8Ryc4qEzNWhkAYaSPaz8qydsVfRm6wgk1v0MkhBgLyfqJmulSUGaDiAueea_nc_2KoZ_3uVHZSfFmEP2ou_TVcB9z4IbqqkaFKmByYtfMclmVwFUCz3xgswNv4iOA/s1600-h/tanimg.jpg"><img alt="" border="0" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5288989174968020338" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjOy-JPoMOLj8Ryc4qEzNWhkAYaSPaz8qydsVfRm6wgk1v0MkhBgLyfqJmulSUGaDiAueea_nc_2KoZ_3uVHZSfFmEP2ou_TVcB9z4IbqqkaFKmByYtfMclmVwFUCz3xgswNv4iOA/s200/tanimg.jpg" style="cursor: pointer; float: left; height: 200px; margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; width: 182px;" /></a><b>The Case of Will Leitch and the Burning Q-Tip</b><br />
PART 1.<br />
<br />
Mr. and Mrs. Negro had one child. They called him TAN, and so did everybody else.<br />
<br />
Mr. Negro was the head of all media, and the chief mind on matters of race and culture. The CEO or Chief Ethnocultural Officer. Whenever a TV station or radio show or magazine needed counsel, ideas, or understanding of some race/culture related issue, they’d ask Mr. Negro. And Mr. Negro always had a good answer for them. His track record in the realm of race was without blemish since 2005.<br />
<br />
But Mr, Negro had a secret weapon. And that was his son, TAN. No one would believe it, but it was really TAN that provided Mr. Negro all his fodder. The streak since 2005 was no coincidence; it was also when young TAN started his blog.<br />
<br />
Now TAN would help typically help his father solve cases for free. But after a while he realized he enjoyed ethnocultural matters so much he should open up a detective agency to help others solve the mysteries of race and culture. So he stole some money out of his father’s wallet, rented out a bodega, and set up shop. He hung up a sign to advertise himself:<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgvfz4i_sdxF-L-_WVc7N_f_onkGTZVwCjoiGrpBCg2FJ0STtH3WW0RQIm_3M3ghV6fEPkLhhpwBsoyAEwr4SmCZDGYtwqvd0Hw7YQQzl7fo4yWq5jIAoop2hrTRQ_GiOH0vasbsQ/s1600/nb-sign.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgvfz4i_sdxF-L-_WVc7N_f_onkGTZVwCjoiGrpBCg2FJ0STtH3WW0RQIm_3M3ghV6fEPkLhhpwBsoyAEwr4SmCZDGYtwqvd0Hw7YQQzl7fo4yWq5jIAoop2hrTRQ_GiOH0vasbsQ/s200/nb-sign.gif" width="167" /></a></div><br />
As fate would have it, one evening around midnight Q-Tip came marauding into the office. He was clearly bothered by something. Q-Tip, of course, is a living legend, the lead rapper of iconic hip hop group <i>A Tribe Called Quest</i>. TAN immediately roused to attention upon recognizing the face.<br />
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Tip scanned the sign and fished around in his pockets. Eventually he took a quarter-water out from inside his jacket and looked TAN in the eye, "I don't have any change on me, but I can give you this drink. I have a problem, and I want to hire you." Apparently Tip had happened upon some tough fiscal times of late.<br />
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TAN looked at the quarter water. It was cherry flavor. His favorite. He smiled and reached for the Bible on the desk that he hollowed out and used as protection for his copy of <i><a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Low_End_Theory">The Low End Theory</a></i>. He lifted the CD towards Q-Tip and said, “Yo, Tip. Do you know how much prep school and college cooch this CD got me? If Obama owes <a href="http://www.nytimes.com/2008/11/08/arts/television/08cosb.html?ref=arts">something to the Cosby Show</a>, then they owe something to you as well. You’re the soundtrack of our assimilation. Certainly mine. I’ll take the quarter-water -- cause you know I love me some <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NuTjQLfU6Gk">cherry drink</a> -- but trust, i got you on expenses and all of that for this case.”<br />
<br />
“So, now, tell me, what’s the scenario? forgive me, but ... you on point, Tip?” TAN asked.<br />
<br />
“all the time, tan!” Tip chorused back.<br />
<br />
Q-Tip was calmer after quoting an old classic. but he was still pacing as he spoke, “I don’t know why I’m bugging out. But there's this <a href="http://nymag.com/arts/popmusic/reviews/52143/">crazy article online</a>. I think it's offensive, but I'm not quite sure. it just feels wrong.”<br />
<br />
TAN was puzzled, "well, it’s an internet article. why don’t you just ignore it?"<br />
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"hmmm, well yeah, I was going to do that.... but then after i read it I decided to say something."<br />
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjS0IQseXhZOb4ulJ2rmU18pN3PoPztIWWGE3Mrarg_dBX8OCR7NtPTtLNHY4HZaJU_yArCZ9q7TEL6eNm9Zmb978t0p6idDxmConnkjOPqYQlc80DtQdIJbUaXp04zI4WswvyicA/s1600-h/2818764778_b8be5ccbbb.jpg" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img alt="" border="0" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5288987757263682866" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjS0IQseXhZOb4ulJ2rmU18pN3PoPztIWWGE3Mrarg_dBX8OCR7NtPTtLNHY4HZaJU_yArCZ9q7TEL6eNm9Zmb978t0p6idDxmConnkjOPqYQlc80DtQdIJbUaXp04zI4WswvyicA/s200/2818764778_b8be5ccbbb.jpg" style="float: right; height: 200px; margin-bottom: 10px; margin-left: 10px; margin-right: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; width: 133px;" /></a><br />
“You COMMENTED?!!?” TAN knew entering the world of anonymous commenters could only spell trouble for a veteran hip hop artist .<br />
<br />
“What did you say, tip?”<br />
<br />
<a href="http://my.nymag.com/daAmBassador/comments/">uh,something like this</a>:<br />
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<a name='more'></a><br />
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<i>damn mr. leitch!! why are u shitting on me and d *ck riding kanye. seems like its an assignment you didnt want to do so why do it? you should have done a DL4 assignment or better yet a "whatever happened to fallout shelters in a Mc Carthy era new york?" piece!!! i'm good... you??? JADED!! yes this is qtip</i><br />
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heavens to <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jarobi_White">Jarobi</a>, what an outburst! was that all?<br />
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<i>oh i forgot... ASSHOLE</i><br />
<br />
"Wait, Tip. You actually commented, went back and then called him an asshole?"<br />
<br />
"Can I kick it? Yes, I can."<br />
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TAN was frustrated, "hmmmm. well that doesn’t seem like behavior fitting for a believer in The Love Movement. What happened to nothing being more important than Beats, Rhymes, & Life. You know what it’s like to be stressed out, so I don't understand why you would be so irritated with someone's opinion.<br />
<br />
TAN rubbed the melanin on his skin. He always did that when deep in thought.<br />
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“And what does Kanye have to do with any of this? We should leave him alone, he lost his mom....”<br />
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“Will Leitch was the writer, he brought up stupid Kanye! and then he started making it like i was a nobody. Like I can't even get the Knicks cheerleaders to show me love!” Tip was raising his voice.<br />
<br />
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgjSpWV2kMvnxCBHmNNZc-b9ehIrim94qhwvbIb5e0N8ryh-ghSqD14MnfeRszeohYOSq_X1xeKzG_pvRt830udHBpsSbPxsVKHWJHAYTd57oVR8doGwemfyf_vpnHrFv8V_S5Feg/s1600-h/3040463995_e369b621f6.jpg"><img alt="" border="0" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5288276625146637394" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgjSpWV2kMvnxCBHmNNZc-b9ehIrim94qhwvbIb5e0N8ryh-ghSqD14MnfeRszeohYOSq_X1xeKzG_pvRt830udHBpsSbPxsVKHWJHAYTd57oVR8doGwemfyf_vpnHrFv8V_S5Feg/s200/3040463995_e369b621f6.jpg" style="cursor: pointer; float: left; height: 134px; margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; width: 200px;" /></a>“I’ve been linked to Nicole Kidman in tabloids! I’ve been in movies! I know I'm just DJ’ing and stuff now... but I’m a big f’ing deal! ”<br />
<br />
TAN felt he had to calm Tip down again.<br />
<br />
“you on point, tip?”<br />
<br />
“all the time, tan!”<br />
<br />
Ok, hmm, this sounds like a weird case to me. I actually know Mr. Leitch. And I know him to be a fine noble gentleman. I’m quite certain the last thing he wanted was to hurt your feelings. I have a photo with him on the mantle.<br />
<br />
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgz0BsS26v7o7rDrmPg3D5_nPGl-05YWjtd5BZty78ZvDbzWcCqbGIpCLUzhrs6l_TiL0oPJIT9xObhiRiXD_8-7Mt5kSbhGB1DPE51R2yyVmyCxLVgsA8libDR0bGNGxqAc4aA8A/s1600-h/13+how+to+pitch+deadspin.jpg"><img alt="" border="0" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5288277198491205474" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgz0BsS26v7o7rDrmPg3D5_nPGl-05YWjtd5BZty78ZvDbzWcCqbGIpCLUzhrs6l_TiL0oPJIT9xObhiRiXD_8-7Mt5kSbhGB1DPE51R2yyVmyCxLVgsA8libDR0bGNGxqAc4aA8A/s320/13+how+to+pitch+deadspin.jpg" style="cursor: pointer; display: block; height: 240px; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; width: 320px;" /></a><br />
Tip was surprised, “oh, if that’s your boy... maybe i should go talk to someone else?”<br />
<br />
TAN quickly established his priorities, “no, no tip. I’ll get a lot more links if I stick with you. plus, he writes for New York Magazine, and knowing them there could definitely be something dubious going on.<br />
<br />
(NY Mag was a leader in a <a href="http://gawker.com/news/race/gawkers-special-correspondent-for-brownpeople-issues-nyo-on-lilywhite-magland-148076.php">lilly-white media industry</a>; often guilty of having white people discuss brown people and revealing themselves to be out of touch with the city that is their namesake . they’re insensitivity earned them the alias NY Mag-a-Mean.)<br />
<br />
Desiring to get to the bottom of this, TAN declared, "let's go talk to New York Mag"<br />
<br />
Tip thought about it then fell back, “you do it. i'm trying to get back in the game. too much at stake in my renaissance for me to do any more protesting."<br />
<br />
"They won't do anything, I'll link a couple other <a href="http://www.cantstopwontstop.com/blog/index.cfm">hip hop</a> <a href="http://www.byroncrawford.com/">bloggers</a> and <a href="http://ta-nehisicoates.theatlantic.com/">black-people</a> <a href="http://ebonyjet.com/">websites</a> so they have to play fair." TAN comforted.<br />
<br />
TAN saw NYM hanging out with the rest of the waspy media cool kids. “Hey New York,” TAN said, “looks like you sent a white guy to do a black guy's job again. you know the rappers and nba players are sensitive about that. and for good reason. you don’t have proper respect. the respect that comes from intimate knowledge. why do you keep doing it? “<br />
<br />
NYM barely even looked at TAN in responding, "We’re New York Magazine. We are entitled to cover hip hop -- born in the Bronx, NY 30 years ago I’ll have you know -- any way we want. We don't need a range of perspective when we have editors getting our grammer as tight as possible. We run this town. "<br />
<br />
Then looking directly at Tip and TAN with squinty-eyes, "The review is fine. And don't try and act like we're mean and/or racist. Our online division are all young urban multicultis. They're post-racial. Get out of here, or else we’ll ask our audience why black bloggers keep asking questions of race even after Obama. Don’t make us tag you as “Al Sharpton 2.0”.<br />
<br />
TAN knew this wasn't true. but needed more proof before taking on Mag-a-Mean.<br />
<br />
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg3Zc8pTTOAEjz9jx0tMAfbObjwjxFneV70_jwqRuF9cDqiMaB1LdIhMhuWk1cUyEV3xmz-5V820JLTlXIu9auC7zWxPvCwDtX6w7YnY0NhT_h8uWgPvE4okdrc_MxM-SsAJUK0dw/s1600-h/3040463751_498691a25e.jpg"><img alt="" border="0" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5288987917776522018" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg3Zc8pTTOAEjz9jx0tMAfbObjwjxFneV70_jwqRuF9cDqiMaB1LdIhMhuWk1cUyEV3xmz-5V820JLTlXIu9auC7zWxPvCwDtX6w7YnY0NhT_h8uWgPvE4okdrc_MxM-SsAJUK0dw/s200/3040463751_498691a25e.jpg" style="cursor: pointer; float: right; height: 134px; margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; width: 200px;" /></a>All of a sudden, the man of the hour walked in, Will Leitch ... he almost ran away when he saw Q-Tip.<br />
<br />
"look, i didn't do nothing but my job," said Will. "I don’t hate Q-Tip and Tribe, I LOVE TRIBE. I couldn't overstate their importance. I even said that in the review!"<br />
<br />
Leitch continued, "I'm just trying to impress the people over there, and it's supposed to be what i do. you add context and importance to a review. so i saw tip at halftime and his album's coming out, and kanye does dominate now, and i don't know what the big deal is!!"<br />
<br />
TAN rubbed the melanin on his skin. he did that when he thought at maximum levels.<br />
<br />
"What were you listening to when you came in, Will?"<br />
<br />
"Nirvana. You know about the book I’m writing, right?"<br />
<br />
TAN rubbed his melanin some more and absently answered Will, "Yeah..."<br />
<br />
He pulled out his iphone and looked up the review <a href="http://nymag.com/daily/entertainment/2008/12/q-tip_responds.html">and response blog again</a>.<br />
<br />
It was quite a tricky dilemma: was this a case of a fading rap star overreacting in a new medium. was Will really d-riding Kanye? so many people are these days...<br />
<br />
All of a sudden TAN stopped rubbing himself, and looked definitive, "Tip, you ‘re right to be annoyed. There’s a legit gripe against you and it cuts deeper than it seems."<br />
<br />
"But it's also not Leitch's fault, it's his boss that's the problem. This is another case of NY Mag-a-Mean not doing the right thing."<br />
<br />
NYM spat in TAN's direction, "You're a stupid ethnocultural blogger, you can't prove anything."<br />
<br />
TAN pulled out his laptop, "Sure I can, everything you need to know is right in front of us."<br />
<br />
<i>WHAT DID TAN REALIZE????</i><br />
<br />
<b>(BESIDES THAT YOU SHOULD <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Negropedia-Assimilated-Negros-Course-Experience/dp/030746380X">BUY NEGROPEDIA</a>....???)</b><br />
<br />
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj9-bnQ-IsZaU_JXTV8A8qsw_1lwfEJ-FlUdM_KE1SYqkIO3kp59YRlEHAIBRzbtK5osbj92xqfh7feIRlZl1kTyley_b3d7CAE3pOCEP8Dn13jUz4ACIWWpzGY_KnYao2w6mTxFA/s1600-h/3040455781_cdf23f1b71.jpg"><img alt="" border="0" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5288277034040445138" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj9-bnQ-IsZaU_JXTV8A8qsw_1lwfEJ-FlUdM_KE1SYqkIO3kp59YRlEHAIBRzbtK5osbj92xqfh7feIRlZl1kTyley_b3d7CAE3pOCEP8Dn13jUz4ACIWWpzGY_KnYao2w6mTxFA/s320/3040455781_cdf23f1b71.jpg" style="cursor: pointer; display: block; height: 154px; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; width: 320px;" /></a><br />
<span style="font-size: 85%; font-style: italic;">Tip images:<br />
© mekuria getinet/mekuriageti.net</span><br />
<span style="font-size: 85%;"><a href="http://flickr.com/photos/ovieh/2818764778/" style="font-style: italic;">other tip</a></span>T.A.N.http://www.blogger.com/profile/03386902584581113328noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16210951.post-3753444503743827842012-05-23T02:08:00.000-04:002021-12-23T06:21:19.910-05:00How White Bloggers Use Exclamation Points on The Internet!<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhJN5HQoxIgAjLH1W7j7_W_-GAzF0U7b1tTQmpXDUp6w-o8ABA3XMcCPhgrBlm7ZBCHxhD3PqjEn_rh-8Gt3XqNsErZOviy_g6VRtnsIJHda_kCR6TP13d6gmeN6CDRG7K1oRpI/s1600-h/1356743671_11e438ebb3.jpg"><img alt="" border="0" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5252455559022180770" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhJN5HQoxIgAjLH1W7j7_W_-GAzF0U7b1tTQmpXDUp6w-o8ABA3XMcCPhgrBlm7ZBCHxhD3PqjEn_rh-8Gt3XqNsErZOviy_g6VRtnsIJHda_kCR6TP13d6gmeN6CDRG7K1oRpI/s200/1356743671_11e438ebb3.jpg" style="cursor: pointer; float: right; margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px;" /></a> <i>(In honor of my inclusion in the recent NYT Opinionator <a href="http://opinionator.blogs.nytimes.com/2011/05/22/making-a-hashtag-of-it/?hp">exploring #blacktags/the racial divide in Twitter culture</a>, I repost some old theorizing on how white bloggers use !!!! on the internet)</i><br />
<i><br />
</i><br />
ORIGINAL:<br />
<br />
So this post about affirmative action on Gawker sparked some interesting dialogue <a href="http://gawker.com/5057710/to-all-the-sad-young-white-media-interns-working-for-free">on its own merits,</a> but a seeming off-thread comment about how Moe, and Gawker in general, <a href="http://gawker.com/5057710/to-all-the-sad-young-white-media-interns-working-for-free?cpage=2&sort=ASC#c8084673">use exclamation points</a> in excess ("when did a communicable "replace a period with an exclamation point in every third sentence (at least)" disease sweep through gawker?") struck a chord with me.<br />
<br />
Cause it's true. Moe does use a lot of them. And so do most of the editors on the site. And many others across the nets. And I've thought about this. <a href="http://gawker.com/5057710/to-all-the-sad-young-white-media-interns-working-for-free?cpage=2&sort=ASC#c8091670">And so in the comments I responded (in part)</a>:<br />
<blockquote><i>...But I now think there's legitimate ethno-cultural cachet to the usage, i.e. "exclamation points" could be an entry on Stuff White People Like.</i> </blockquote><blockquote><i> I mean, it's an easy way to add energy or personality or whathaveyou to writing, especially if you're churning out posts like some sort of machine that churns out a lot of stuff. But you really don't see it much on black, hip hop, or other ethnic blogs. Knahmean? [ed:I think they/we might do more coding through slanguage. Feel me?]</i> </blockquote><blockquote><i> In any event, since hanging around blogger/bledia types I do more drinking, smoking, and using of exclamation points. So I think it's a grammatical representation of some part of the assimilation process!...</i></blockquote>And I couldn't get the thought out of my head....<br />
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Seems to me there are two types of exclamation points:<br />
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The first kind are the ones lots of people use. The ones that come big, or in different colors, and used to be a remedial tool for conveying excitement in advertising/marketing. Someday spammers might figure out a way to enhance them so much that they smoke and sparkle, and pop out and shoot lasers all so you know what that hole on the top of your OJ is for.<br />
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<div style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhf9ttTLeIIVK9wfTN7dXC7RgaVL7A_lphi-XA-SFLgGPm1IvtDRNDtp9ejcgp1Pz4nYxmYpqUcVGMImSc8zZpvv0c4Z0waXL4yDxHI62-vnu77rsqgp29R1WDN5pa37iwrBL1W/s1600-h/273475381_36399474ff.jpg"><img alt="" border="0" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5252455064637050418" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhf9ttTLeIIVK9wfTN7dXC7RgaVL7A_lphi-XA-SFLgGPm1IvtDRNDtp9ejcgp1Pz4nYxmYpqUcVGMImSc8zZpvv0c4Z0waXL4yDxHI62-vnu77rsqgp29R1WDN5pa37iwrBL1W/s320/273475381_36399474ff.jpg" style="cursor: pointer; display: block; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center;" /></a><span style="font-size: 85%;"><i>holla!</i></span></div><br />
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<a name='more'></a>The second kind are the SMART exclamation points; the hipster-Mac to the Period's PC. These particular points add personality and punch to prose, but there's a specific <i>cool</i> panache to it all.<br />
It's sort of like that itty bitty stud on the nose of that white girl who likes The Roots. That stud is the dot under the second kind of exclamation point.<br />
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And when you see that exclamation point, it's always ironic; a cynical slash across the throat of earnestness, a joke punctuated by a knowing nudge to the rib.<br />
<br />
Looking at both types of exclamation points immediately begs the question: rhetorically speaking, do we really need exclamation points?<br />
<br />
We know the mark is only to capture the *idea* of an alert or emergency or importance. If something were a "real emergency" you would choose direct oral communication over writing. And even if forced to write something that must convey a heightened sense of urgency, you're probably better off without it for speed and/or clarity. (if I had to write a "Save Me!" note I would abstain from exclamations so as not to make it seem like a joke. A legitimate cry for help should have a calming effect so the person can think about what to do, i think.)<br />
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The truth is best received in language that lacks empty emotional gestures, hence no exclamation points (or blinking lights, smoke etc.) in the New York Times, academic articles etc. This is acknowledged when Moe (sorry to single you out, purely circumstantial), or any of these hipster-media types link a boring SUBSTANTIVE article before one of the exclamation points. It's the 1-2 punch of style and <a href="http://www.slate.com/id/2194087/">substance</a>! (for lack of better substance at the moment)<br />
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Of course exclamation point don't<i> really</i> add excitement! That's why it's ironic, silly! Sort of how American Apparel uses sex! Exclamation points are the American Apparel of the hipster-bloggeratti! Dress your posts in <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Dress-Your-Family-Corduroy-Denim/dp/0316143464">corduroy and exclamation points</a>. Ha!<br />
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Remember how there was a brief stage in your life where either you or some of your friends found it hilarious to push someone's elbow while they write and ruin whatever it was they were doing? The exclamation point is the encapsulating of that impulse. That kid, grammonified(?).<br />
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Even thinking about the mark visually. Physically. The exclamation point <i>feels</i> like the product of one of the original sentence-makers saying something, with a period, and then his insecure partner had nothing to add so he just drew a line over the period and repeated the statement in a higher volume. Voila.<br />
<br />
Voila!<br />
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whatever anyways all punctuation, Marks; Are For Sheep duh pffft<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjd2Ucm0_CFslmGAP7fg1NiGsmzAMwdP023fzsKPUgAymV7zzgf-Me873vQT9goOxE4CEka30sxHV4qAFrwcNyWyUMP5qCrftxY30R2eCiyS7_C-7LXZ_J-Zrr0E4ZeXjaMerr-/s1600-h/135372366_6082c73620.jpg"><img alt="" border="0" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5252479018571292258" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjd2Ucm0_CFslmGAP7fg1NiGsmzAMwdP023fzsKPUgAymV7zzgf-Me873vQT9goOxE4CEka30sxHV4qAFrwcNyWyUMP5qCrftxY30R2eCiyS7_C-7LXZ_J-Zrr0E4ZeXjaMerr-/s320/135372366_6082c73620.jpg" style="cursor: pointer; display: block; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center;" /></a><br />
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<i><a href="http://flickr.com/photos/helloali/273475381/">straw hole!</a></i><br />
<a href="http://flickr.com/photos/projectbs/1356743671/"><i>exclamation cone</i></a><i></i>T.A.N.http://www.blogger.com/profile/03386902584581113328noreply@blogger.com11tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16210951.post-18970682514548391302012-02-23T19:05:00.000-05:002021-12-23T06:20:12.644-05:00Songs of Evil: Notes on Whitney Houston's "Saving All My Love For You"<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjR6Y3hFXVcMRQ5xfeqYVd7gY2PfSz4AuMkGRkFxSA6DKsEKoyRRIzybgFog29HqqjQTu1CCYB2t6m0iIoIqfT1hpcUOacPpZ2LfgGM_RmH1KKsy42J4ChR3T_yxl6o79Gf6EDQZA/s1600-h/whitney1.jpg" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}"><img a="" alt="" border="0" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5369859108782524242" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjR6Y3hFXVcMRQ5xfeqYVd7gY2PfSz4AuMkGRkFxSA6DKsEKoyRRIzybgFog29HqqjQTu1CCYB2t6m0iIoIqfT1hpcUOacPpZ2LfgGM_RmH1KKsy42J4ChR3T_yxl6o79Gf6EDQZA/s200/whitney1.jpg" style="cursor: pointer; float: right; height: 194px; margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; width: 200px;" /></a>A few weeks ago they released the <a href="http://blogs.wsj.com/speakeasy/2010/01/25/new-music-preview-whitney-houston-the-deluxe-anniversary-edition/">25th anniversary edition</a> of Whitney Houston's debut album, <i>Whitney Houston</i>.<br />
<br />
Whitney is sort of fascinating as a human embodiment of the philosophical conundrum of "<a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ship_of_Theseus">Theseus' Ship</a> (props to Jen Dziura's <a href="http://www.philosophyshow.com/">one-woman show</a> for reminder on this).<br />
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The Ship of Theseus <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ship_of_Theseus">paradox</a> poses questions of identity and authenticity in the form of a riddle/parable: If a ship leaves the port -- in this case Theseus' ship -- and while out at sea has all its planks replaced over time, piece by piece, when it returns to port with all new parts is it still Theseus' Ship?<br />
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Now you may or may not know that some scientists will tell you that our cells are <a href="http://www.google.com/search?client=safari&rls=en&q=cells+regenerate+every+7+years&ie=UTF-8&oe=UTF-8">regenerating every 7-10 years</a>. In effect, we all have a little Theseus Paradox in us: our whole bodies are renewed over time, piece by piece, but we stay (in some essential way) the same person.<br />
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In the case of the <a href="http://www.riaa.com/goldandplatinumdata.php?table=tblTopArt">fourth best-selling female artist</a>, the paradox is striking: If when we met Whitney she was a god-fearing, clean-cut, singer from heaven, and then twenty years later all of her cells have changed, and she's a crack-smoking, Bobby Brown f'ing, reality show ghetto diva doing very little singing. Well, is that still Whitney Houston?<br />
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I don't know.... But, uh, ANYwhitney, I didn't want to unpack our enigmatic angel in this post, but rather her song, "Saving All My Love For You" which got stuck in my head upon revisiting her debut album.<br />
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Have you listened to this song recently? I personally had not, and after being briefly enamored with the parodic possibilities of turning the song into an ode to eye-crust called "Saving All My Crust For You", I realized the song is one of the most purely evil songs I've ever given my attention. It's selfish, obnoxious, and pretty much morally reprehensible. If that proves to be a harsh assessment, then it's at the very least disingenuous. Like some sort of romantic Trojan Horse purporting the spirit of true love, when it's no more than the the deranged fantasy of an intolerably narcissistic lunatic.<br />
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The title of this song suggets a paean to waiting, pining, fighting, and willing ones way into someone else's heart. In a different context, perhaps a noble sentiment. But as per the setup of the song, you get a sense of some rather questionable pathology lurking beneath the surface. Some notes on all this after the video below.<br />
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~~<br />
<i></i><br />
<i><a name='more'></a><br />
A few stolen moments is all that we share<br />
You've got your family, and they need you there<br />
Though I've tried to resist, being last on your list<br />
But no other man's gonna do<br />
So I'm saving all my love for you</i><br />
<br />
1. Ok. First off, on premise alone this song it's clear they just don't make 'em like they used to. This is a pop song! It's like writing a lament for a <a href="http://www.nytimes.com/2010/02/21/weekinreview/21bilton.html">Chat Roulette</a> stalker and having it be on the radio all the time. Maybe Bob Dylan might have popped something like that off back in the days, but definitely alternative indie material in the 2010.<br />
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2. Think of the last year of <a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/12/07/tiger-woods-women-picture_n_383328.html">rampant</a> <a href="http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/2009/may/06/elizabeth-edwards-oprah-winfrey-resilience">infidelity</a> news <a href="http://abcnews.go.com/Entertainment/david-letterman-admits-sexual-affairs-staffers-details-extortion/story?id=8728424">stories</a>, and amidst all the grief and hubbub and backlash the one sentiment no one considered putting out there is a LOVE BALLAD FROM THE MISTRESS (hoes gotta sing love songs too? Say it ain't so! ). Next up: Requiem for a Rapist. Or a woeful Murderer's Malaise ballad. Ok, not those two so much. Sorry. But still, the edgiest pop song material we get these days is Beyonce or Lady Gaga or <a href="http://music.aol.com/video/keha-tik-tok/kesha/sony:41872299001">Ke$ha</a> talking about how dudes want to f 'em in the club. And if you take away the soft porn videos, that's really about as tame a sentiment as you can get. This is like going out with your hottest girlfriend -- not only hot cause she's naturally physically hot, but because she enjoys drawing attention to her hotness, dresses hot, etc -- and she's prattling on and on: All the boys want me in the club. Can you believe all the boys want me in the club? I think all the boys want me in the club. Don't be mad all the boys want me in the club. I think your boy wants me in the club. He has to beat those other boys that want me in the club. I think the DJ wants to see me dancing in the club. Everybody lets start dancing in the club. Me and my girls 'bout to start dancin' in the club, and then comes the chorus about how the boys want me in the club..... so, y'know, its pretty boring and lame without music and visuals of dry-humping. And that's our "edgy" pop stuff. So off the bat this mistress manifesto is treading in dark places we dare not venture.<br />
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3. "they need you there": Maybe I'm getting old and soft, but is it not WEIRD to be so brazen about breaking up a family? the subtext of the first two lines are basically: Your son will have daddy issues. Your daughter will have insecurities. And they need you.... They need you to not make the damage worse and flat out abandon them. For a few stolen moments. So don't worry about me.<br />
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3.5. And ...THIS IS THE BEGINNING OF THE SONG. THIS IS HOW WE START THE CONVERSATION? Can I get a drink? How's the weather? Sun shining? Rain falling? Maybe some *ooh la la, I love you* stuff to warm me up? Do we have to cut right to, hi, let's get the issue of the damage you're doing to the people you love for selfish reasons on the table ASAP?<br />
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4. "but no other man's gonna do": Really? No other man? Seriously? I mean Whitney is looking impossibly hot rocking the off-the-shoulder sweater (apparently imported direct from <a href="http://store.americanapparel.net/rsa2305.html">2010 American Apparel catalog</a>). So I think she has options. Are we distinguishing between man and peen here? Is this her soulmate? I'm not getting a sense of that from "a few stolen moments. So if this is just some motherfucker you like, I mean, come on now. Its one thing to have a crush and write a song for <a href="http://theassimilatednegro.blogspot.com/2005/10/gawk-at-this-gawker-audio.html">someone</a>, but if they're married with a family? And no other man's gonna do? huh?? what??? Shit, I'm going to try that on someone married and hot. Look, Angelina, and, uh, family,-- no other woman's gonna do! THAT'S IT! Tell Brad. And we don't have to, y'know, resolve to live together right this second or whatever, but realize that every drop of love is in fact being saved ... for you. Not just some ideal avatar for a "perfect partner". But you. Yooooouuu.<br />
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4.5. If Rachel Uchitel showed up at Tiger's press conference and was like, "Look, no other man's gonna do! Surprise! " Would we be like, awwwww, yay her?<br />
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5. Life Truism #1: Being last on the list sucks all around. For listmakers too! But if there's a list, someone has to be last! it's really the list's fault when you think about it. not players, hate the game, etc.<br />
<br />
<i>It's not very easy, living all alone<br />
My friends try and tell me, find a man of my own<br />
But each time I try, I just break down and cry<br />
Cause I'd rather be home feeling blue<br />
So I'm saving all my love for you</i><br />
<br />
6. Life Truism #2: everyone lives and dies alone on some level. If you're a sensitive brooder type, that's awesome. I'm one of those too! But it doesn't entitle you (or me) to peen. Or anything, really.<br />
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7. The friends: Your friends probably hate you, Miss Myopia. Do you realize this? If you have a crush on your -- let's call him a project manager, or boss; it's not a best friend, or long time confidante, which would be more understandable -- and you like them, but they have a family, and are otherwise unavailable, and your friends are like, girl, you need to find someone who's like, available, and interested. and what do you do? Cry? Really? ... break down and cry?!!? What kind of friend is this? It's such a selfish socially dysfunctional response. Put on a front, at least. You have to at least be able to lie and say, ha ha, just kidding. No, I'm not really sweating him that much. Then cry and stalk him anonymously on the internet like the rest of the world. When your friends act like friends and suggest you act normal, i.e. not like an asshole, you're not allowed break down and cry. Not without needing new friends to hoodwink with your emotional bait-and-switch routine.<br />
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8. The Girl: I don't even know about this girl finding a man of her own at this point. This girl is f'd up. What she needs is a break. Some time smacking herself in front of a mirror. Banging her head against the wall. Building houses in Haiti. Anything will be more productive. This sort of OCD possessiveness sows the seeds of discontent in any relationship. All the love being saved here is toxic. let it go and replenish from new supply.<br />
<br />
<i>You used to tell me we'd run away together<br />
Love gives you the right to be free<br />
You said be patient, just wait a little longer<br />
But that's just an old fantasy</i><br />
<br />
9. The Guy: ah, now we get a little backdrop. dude sold the "run away" fantasy to get in the drawers. Ha, I don't know how many girls i've told that we'd totally run away to zimbabwe as soon as I get my papers in order ... y'know, as long as we definitely have sex <i>tonight</i>. Oh wait, I do know how many. Zero. Because what f'ing woman would still be listening to me after I suggested "running away together"? This is some humprey bogart white people shit that was never fact-checked before being allowed to run amok in songs and movies and general storytelling. People don't run away together. Because soon after running away together comes followup questions like, "what the fuck are we doing running away?" "Who or what are we running away from?" "why have we left the comforts of our home and familiar lifestyle and environment?" "Do you not see this is f'ing retarded?" <br />
<br />
Now poor people might be like, do you want to share this rent together? Ok. That's practical. Romantics might want to try and find a soulmate. That's very sweet. But running away together? That's just some retarded leftover vestigial tail shit. No one is really pitching a new love interest on that unless they also refer to dinner as "hunter-gathering". I guess when this song came out in the early-80s those people weren't all dead yet. But still. <br />
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10. At least we see this isn't strictly Whitney/<a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Michael_Masser">Songwriter</a> making melodies to emotively underscore this particular brand of mental derangement and disregard for others. Until this point in the song the dude seems like an innocent victim (in the video too he never indicates much interest besides pleasantly smiling.) So, ok. Now we have a glimmer of something that might make sense in terms of reciprocated affections, complicated relationship problems. But just to be clear, this one glimmer of possible rationality is predicated on THE GUY BEING A BIGGER ASSHOLE THAN THE GIRL. So yeah, getting better. Less unequivocally evil. Still pretty bleak.<br />
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11. love gives you the right to be free? does it, really? whitney? why are you hitting that line with such warbling gusto? wtf does that even mean? That's definitely some more <a href="http://theassimilatednegro.blogspot.com/2008/08/post-racial-is-not-postmodern.html">pretentious white man</a> talking to dumb natives bullshit. Would someone say that during sex? New Rule: If you can't express the sentiment during sex without laughing (not the fun irreverent laughing, but contemptuous sneering, judgmental laughing), then it's not love. <br />
<i><br />
I've got to get ready, just a few minutes more<br />
Gonna get that old feeling when you walk through that door<br />
Cause tonight is the night, for feeling alright<br />
We'll be making love the whole night through<br />
So I'm saving all my love<br />
Yes I'm saving all my love<br />
Yes I'm saving all my love for you</i><br />
<br />
12. The glimmer of goodness that appeared to shine through in the last refrain has been shut out. Old feeling? Oh, ok... the cheating that was speculative fantasy in the beginning has already popped off. Those lines about the family were apparently just some casually callous role playing? Ok. Well, unless maybe this narrative has a timeline and divorce been settled in between verses? Doubtful. Sounds like these two just don't give a fuck. Maybe <i>they are</i> made for each other?<br />
<br />
(13. Aside: this is also the "get busy" verse. I remember blushing when i heard things like "make love the all night through" when i was little. now, y'know, i just think much like "running away together" and "love gives you the right to be free" who are the people who say such things? I do have surrealist fantasies about someone saying that to me, but never have any notion of what the person saying it looks like.)<br />
<br />
<i>No other woman, is gonna love you more<br />
Cause tonight is the night, that I'm feeling alright<br />
We'll be making love the whole night through<br />
So I'm saving all my love<br />
Yeah I'm saving all my lovin<br />
Yes I'm saving all my love for you<br />
For you, for you...<br />
</i><br />
14. How to Love More, by Miss Selfish & Evil: Interesting assertion, about no one loving more. How does one, exactly, enhance the qualitative nature of love? Or even assess how much one individual loves another? Is it more, like, more physically tangible? Like more backrubs and BJ's? Is it more concerned with his failings, like snatching <a href="http://theassimilatednegro.blogspot.com/2007/06/quest-for-claire-huxtable.html">hoagies</a> out of his hand before he continues to fatten himself up? Is it more emotionally available? Like when he's tormented about leaving his family for a long night of making love the whole night through? There are questions for another song i guess ... because I know the girl in this song hasn't thought about any of this.<br />
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15. I don't know if this is Whitney Houston, but if you told me that in twenty years, the clean-cut girl inhabiting this song and video would be a crack-smoking, bobby brown f'ing, reality show ghetto diva doing very little singing. Well, I don't know, I guess I wouldn't be shocked. The sensibility of this song and that lifestyle seems to be the same ship with different planks. Or something.<br />
<br />
Previously in Deconstructed Song Lyrics:<br />
<a href="http://theassimilatednegro.blogspot.com/2007/07/my-conversation-with-biz-markie.html">My Conversation with Biz Markie</a>T.A.N.http://www.blogger.com/profile/03386902584581113328noreply@blogger.com21tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16210951.post-33654325703694632422012-02-05T12:52:00.000-05:002012-10-31T16:06:33.353-04:00'Twas the Month After Negropedia<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiTNXbKK3QTqQWXkst6tlY1Tal6qq4PgSM3mIVzkf_6ksYbDRXDugr5i97TQNoWg1d8FvdTMO1JPl88cIL0Cl-ehDK6NIR1XY4l_uNFr3kK1UE55lUNx4_29LpYHRKGe2OUm-Iy-w/s1600/santa-claus-is-a-black-man.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiTNXbKK3QTqQWXkst6tlY1Tal6qq4PgSM3mIVzkf_6ksYbDRXDugr5i97TQNoWg1d8FvdTMO1JPl88cIL0Cl-ehDK6NIR1XY4l_uNFr3kK1UE55lUNx4_29LpYHRKGe2OUm-Iy-w/s320/santa-claus-is-a-black-man.jpg" width="315" /></a></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">'twas the month after <a href="http://gawker.com/5847309/gawker-book-club-patrice-evans-negropedia">negropedia</a>, and all through the sphere </span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">a few people were talking, but not fully three cheers </span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">the new yorker said <a href="http://www.newyorker.com/online/blogs/books/2011/10/the-exchange-patrice-evans-on-negropedia.html">yay</a>, the daily beast says <a href="http://www.thedailybeast.com/articles/2011/11/06/patrice-evans-s-negropedia-sorts-out-the-racial-landscape.html">a hoot</a> </span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">but some say "he’s racist, why give him my loot?" </span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">he’s not <a href="http://www.nydailynews.com/gossip/lindsay-lohan-channels-marilyn-monroe-classy-nude-photos-playboy-article-1.974305">lindsey lohan</a>, he’s not <a href="http://www.hermancain.com/">herman cain</a> </span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">more often than not, that TAN just <a href="http://www.grantland.com/story/_/id/6678023/the-nine-circles-tracy-morgan">hurts my brain</a> </span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">posts come without rhythm, no rhyme, <a href="http://theassimilatednegro.blogspot.com/2010/07/i-got-johnson-baby-powder-and-polo.html">little reason</a> </span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">sometimes he’s long-winded, the blog is practically wheezing </span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">he’s trying so hard, as he sits and tap-tappers </span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">about <a href="http://www.grantland.com/blog/hollywood-prospectus/post/_/id/35327/malcolm-jamal-warners-reed-between-the-lines-probably-not-the-next-cosby-show">race</a>, about <a href="http://www.amazon.com/What-Was-Hipster-Investigation-ebook/dp/B0047O2FD0/">rap</a>, how you might be a rapper</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">and so if on your roof you hear the sound of a clatter </span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">don’t call the po-po, get some wine and let’s chatter</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">let TAN into your homes, your hearts and your minds </span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">let TAN sing his song for four wings w/ some fries </span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">le book on the shelves, <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Negropedia-Assimilated-Negros-Course-Experience/dp/030746380X/">buy it now before noon</a> </span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">and then go to steamboat, he’ll be <a href="http://greenlightbookstore.com/event/steamboat-10">reading there</a> soon</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><i>Fin</i></span></div>
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T.A.N.http://www.blogger.com/profile/03386902584581113328noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16210951.post-40904427429079068582012-02-04T13:21:00.000-05:002012-10-31T16:06:19.998-04:00WORDEMUP<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://www.amazon.com/Negropedia-Assimilated-Negros-Course-Experience/dp/030746380X"><img border="0" height="225" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjpBC2RrW8ExGRu48MOhirFxQ5gjSrs3QBlft_h2zXwI5szNr7cTtpS85AFWs69AUUZaLv6Gwb8HydoUyF4u6La9XP76yD-fkU_bPBZ42lBeUWBebqpDe1-ogxr9A_wdOIUlg1HUA/s400/negropedia_promo1_v2.gif" width="400" /></a></div>
<br />
Born October 4th (a Libra!), weighing in at, uh, a few ounces, (even less if you <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Negropedia-Assimilated-Negros-Experience-ebook/dp/B004J4WLRS/ref=sr_1_1?s=digital-text&ie=UTF8&qid=1317721548&sr=1-1">cop the digi-baby</a>). A bundle of joy, you have your <a href="http://www.grantland.com/story/_/id/6698249/long-live-queen">mommy's eyes</a>, and your <a href="http://www.observer.com/2011/08/the-free-agent-list-2011s-50-media-power-bachelors/#slide21">daddy's</a>, well, <strike>CENSORED TOO HOT FOR TV/INTERNET, a</strike>nd as of this moment you're all <strike>future potential</strike> <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Negropedia-Assimilated-Negros-Course-Experience/dp/030746380X">YAY, SALES</a>:<br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.thedailybeast.com/articles/2011/11/06/patrice-evans-s-negropedia-sorts-out-the-racial-landscape.html">Why We Need Negropedia</a> [The Daily Beast]<br />
<a href="http://gawker.com/5847309/gawker-book-club-patrice-evans-negropedia">Gawker Book Club: Negropedia</a> [Gawker]<br />
<a href="http://www.newyorker.com/online/blogs/books/2011/10/the-exchange-patrice-evans-on-negropedia.html">The Exchange: Patrice Evans on "Negropedia</a>" [The New Yorker]<br />
<a href="http://jezebel.com/5846120/the-clair-huxtable-code">The Clair Huxtable Code</a> [Jezebel]<br />
<a href="http://dysonshow.org/?p=7207">Talking with Michael Eric Dyson</a> [The Michael Eric Dyson Show]<br />
<a href="http://splitsider.com/2011/10/how-to-build-the-ultimate-black-comedian">How to Build the UltimateBlack Comedian</a> [Splitsider]<br />
<a href="http://flavorwire.com/204752/the-most-exciting-new-books-coming-your-way-this-fall/2">Most Exciting New Books Coming Your Way This Fall</a><br />
+ <a href="http://flavorwire.com/214327/patrice-evans-talks-about-negropedia-and-gay-rappers">Interview: Patrice Evans Talks Negropedia, Gay Rappers</a> [Flavorwire]<br />
Also: <a href="http://www.grantland.com/blog/hollywood-prospectus/post/_/id/34917/you-might-be-a-rapper-steve-jobs-susan-sontag-norman-mailer-dr-seuss">You Might Be A Rapper: Steve Jobs (RIP)</a> [Grantland]<br />
<br />
<i>(more coming...)</i><br />
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<a href="http://www.theroot.com/views/new-book-offers-crash-course-today-s-black-life">The Root Recommends</a> [The Root]<br />
<a href="http://www.examiner.com/publishing-industry-in-washington-dc/playing-9-questions-with-negropedia-author-patrice-evans">Playing 9 Questions w/ Patrice Evans</a> [Examiner]<br />
<a href="http://cocoamode.podbean.com/2011/11/03/icymi-cocoa-reads-negropedia/">Talk w/ Shawna Renee</a> [Cocoa Mode]<br />
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<i><b>THANKS FOR SUPPORTING TAN, NEGROPEDIA, CIVIL RIGHTS, AND AMERICA.</b></i><br />
<b><i><br />
</i></b><br />
<i><b>FOR THE HOLIDAYS: <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Negropedia-Assimilated-Negros-Course-Experience/dp/030746380X">BOOKS ARE THE NEW CRACK</a></b></i>T.A.N.http://www.blogger.com/profile/03386902584581113328noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16210951.post-53114263365669550282011-12-26T17:31:00.000-05:002023-05-30T11:13:22.938-04:00Preppy Soul: An Assimilation in Pictures<i>(some folks are milling about wondering: who is that Patrice Evans dude down with <a href="http://www.espnmediazone3.com/us/2011/04/28/writers_editors_join_espn/">Grantland</a>? well, this old Assimilation-in-Pictures post provides some clues. more to come!)</i><br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiwNa7OMtdWizrkL1BcK7OPz4no_gYfhs0O1wEo60cbrHzHHMMIDgm1VDmyjgDFAgpBzxvyd7ri08XrlwsSvHUuDUjT7q3FgV7LKhNLfJfsaz2TSy7ZJYA1Da1u54xvutbZBbBw/s1600-h/0soap+mohawk.jpg"><img alt="" border="0" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5100709164407274530" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiwNa7OMtdWizrkL1BcK7OPz4no_gYfhs0O1wEo60cbrHzHHMMIDgm1VDmyjgDFAgpBzxvyd7ri08XrlwsSvHUuDUjT7q3FgV7LKhNLfJfsaz2TSy7ZJYA1Da1u54xvutbZBbBw/s320/0soap+mohawk.jpg" style="cursor: pointer; display: block; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center;" /></a><span style="font-size: 85%;">Ahh, so bright-eyed and soapy-mohawked; even liquid-soap packaging was simpler then.</span></div><br />
<div style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi3ao98453BpWwXqZZCL1pil4t9lZk3GhGm55bSS8YGqVzu0T5IJufQfxn08WZENUUZvx9NUybKIZfwAXti2lsKb147mo0jj24hRj3YcT1uzZcjLcWx8caP2Vq9mo6O7NxPjG8u/s1600-h/1naked+bear+tan.jpg"><img alt="" border="0" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5100709018378386450" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi3ao98453BpWwXqZZCL1pil4t9lZk3GhGm55bSS8YGqVzu0T5IJufQfxn08WZENUUZvx9NUybKIZfwAXti2lsKb147mo0jj24hRj3YcT1uzZcjLcWx8caP2Vq9mo6O7NxPjG8u/s320/1naked+bear+tan.jpg" style="cursor: pointer; display: block; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center;" /></a><span style="font-size: 85%;">Hair now dry, but still delighted with the world. A soft furry bear on your naked lap will do that. </span></div><br />
<div style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjQF5Mn9ymHSpS2_UpwpS4U2GOuqKNY7ddJ75Mg75dZaI_ZZ9ZR4urt0nwm6KgyIhsmnZ3CyKQrThk-tSXh6XcFYuzIdSuJADam27ckOocNJZ7E9vez5OfLWREbmOo2rMYKQI-p/s1600-h/2+graduation+michael.jpg"><img alt="" border="0" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5100708889529367554" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjQF5Mn9ymHSpS2_UpwpS4U2GOuqKNY7ddJ75Mg75dZaI_ZZ9ZR4urt0nwm6KgyIhsmnZ3CyKQrThk-tSXh6XcFYuzIdSuJADam27ckOocNJZ7E9vez5OfLWREbmOo2rMYKQI-p/s320/2+graduation+michael.jpg" style="cursor: pointer; display: block; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center;" /></a><span style="font-size: 85%;">One of these kids is smiling like a "gifted negro" with hardware to prove it, the other one's clip-on tie is black.</span></div><br />
<div style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgPU2vuJgmUg4mzZteOvwWPR1GsmZ6yOVAaTAOLakjHON-L6tF0TkWUscQeDc59Dkc91S-ZVS1mVk-8qsMxPeSn7tKtY0-gMhpPOn6fCiWB_WEYj0QU1FxyaDkc4DX4SYxsrm8i/s1600-h/3+graduation+grandparents.jpg"><img alt="" border="0" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5100708747795446770" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgPU2vuJgmUg4mzZteOvwWPR1GsmZ6yOVAaTAOLakjHON-L6tF0TkWUscQeDc59Dkc91S-ZVS1mVk-8qsMxPeSn7tKtY0-gMhpPOn6fCiWB_WEYj0QU1FxyaDkc4DX4SYxsrm8i/s320/3+graduation+grandparents.jpg" style="cursor: pointer; display: block; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center;" /></a><span style="font-size: 85%;">I look confused, perhaps because this would mark my last appearance in a public school.</span></div><br />
<div style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhbTxbgrX2lc4KZJdXgYhieZs_cQksx5CkVW-YdOlRMDRbiquNauvcmN88k-dz_E-Y9_sCNRMOLjqY_X6NM6iKyh8xESuAHk-j14VR0_-bgNn989TlkJZ1Sb-H30tRA3akSw7lQ/s1600-h/4choate+chillign+tan.jpg"><img alt="" border="0" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5100708614651460578" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhbTxbgrX2lc4KZJdXgYhieZs_cQksx5CkVW-YdOlRMDRbiquNauvcmN88k-dz_E-Y9_sCNRMOLjqY_X6NM6iKyh8xESuAHk-j14VR0_-bgNn989TlkJZ1Sb-H30tRA3akSw7lQ/s320/4choate+chillign+tan.jpg" style="cursor: pointer; display: block; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center;" /></a><span style="font-size: 85%;">Look who's leaning on the white man now; wasn't no pics like this in the BX. (Room #007, ladies.)</span><br />
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<div style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh444VOpR5tjbq7ye3Q7cUvkXYjdnsMcFmPiCfKKwkAD7pe2_mVBelyfEyoR5Y4wjU0MaFnbX3uzwB26wH6T-ZNrkH0iXQFxocawdO0sh2N8w0E7NV0CSdbzXCo-e4ziEb4Rwt_/s1600-h/5+preppies+smoking.jpg"><img alt="" border="0" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5100708395608128466" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh444VOpR5tjbq7ye3Q7cUvkXYjdnsMcFmPiCfKKwkAD7pe2_mVBelyfEyoR5Y4wjU0MaFnbX3uzwB26wH6T-ZNrkH0iXQFxocawdO0sh2N8w0E7NV0CSdbzXCo-e4ziEb4Rwt_/s320/5+preppies+smoking.jpg" style="cursor: pointer; display: block; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center;" /></a><span style="font-size: 85%;">Ahhh, this picture just about sums up all there is to say about prep school.</span></div><br />
<div style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiEluNS5DZZKj0446BOxdv_ZtqIgATJPppMMNeZbpeUKnq1DI-tC93SaRg5-CncJjZ9EtyQ09NSNh12dIswV_l3I-qp5cYUT8OZdV1zp7nejCBwLTLLPO0Z2_06OhBY8Nx7PktW/s1600-h/6+pomfret+crew.jpg"><img alt="" border="0" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5100708219514469314" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiEluNS5DZZKj0446BOxdv_ZtqIgATJPppMMNeZbpeUKnq1DI-tC93SaRg5-CncJjZ9EtyQ09NSNh12dIswV_l3I-qp5cYUT8OZdV1zp7nejCBwLTLLPO0Z2_06OhBY8Nx7PktW/s320/6+pomfret+crew.jpg" style="cursor: pointer; display: block; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center;" /></a><span style="font-size: 85%;">Ya gotta have a crew of rudeboys, even in boarding school.</span></div><br />
<div style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhUcJnfrKG4LdOJIPumLZ7w2EiM92yz2IY6ceX7i4gRMXCP5HHqFQ5PFRVxK1wsNcucgsoRz322jn0ZOD8O_WXgxL4cy8AUQUWFE9LEmAdrPzGPDjzxclqP-06IwF6NBKfD6Sd9/s1600-h/7+fret+graduation+zarbs.jpg"><img alt="" border="0" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5100708069190613938" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhUcJnfrKG4LdOJIPumLZ7w2EiM92yz2IY6ceX7i4gRMXCP5HHqFQ5PFRVxK1wsNcucgsoRz322jn0ZOD8O_WXgxL4cy8AUQUWFE9LEmAdrPzGPDjzxclqP-06IwF6NBKfD6Sd9/s320/7+fret+graduation+zarbs.jpg" style="cursor: pointer; display: block; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center;" /></a><span style="font-size: 85%;">Graduation from Assimilation Academy. Hello, White America! Lt. TAN reporting for duty!</span></div><br />
<div style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgZTR54XBiANFo-p6z5sgwzYJ0vBMTrGGlm6RdlgS1gfwUp49nFZcoKq-p9Idcytrrl2OE776Etvs8RlNDBL0EfRqenBBaZE_PTW_93bD6R3QWetZTO7h7ZT6ku5VkynJHsX7sM/s1600-h/8+college+tari+tan.jpg"><img alt="" border="0" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5100707897391922082" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgZTR54XBiANFo-p6z5sgwzYJ0vBMTrGGlm6RdlgS1gfwUp49nFZcoKq-p9Idcytrrl2OE776Etvs8RlNDBL0EfRqenBBaZE_PTW_93bD6R3QWetZTO7h7ZT6ku5VkynJHsX7sM/s320/8+college+tari+tan.jpg" style="cursor: pointer; display: block; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center;" /></a><span style="font-size: 85%;">The college goatee announces itself; TAN manages to still keep tabs on my beautiful black women</span></div><br />
<div style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj9girKi4LhELd92DUIjZs8OGd6IHAivxsvHsk4dpf_9fkK_kMed_61doxa2e6YAWn-3269R6EivxnVLR9BcOqXKSLlayA-VXEtRCFx2yAAEDvrfh5sxyhLChQBs6woXNq1mmOq/s1600-h/9+college+smoke+tan.jpg"><img alt="" border="0" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5100707759952968594" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj9girKi4LhELd92DUIjZs8OGd6IHAivxsvHsk4dpf_9fkK_kMed_61doxa2e6YAWn-3269R6EivxnVLR9BcOqXKSLlayA-VXEtRCFx2yAAEDvrfh5sxyhLChQBs6woXNq1mmOq/s320/9+college+smoke+tan.jpg" style="cursor: pointer; display: block; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center;" /></a><span style="font-size: 85%;">OH NO!!! The pen in the hat is always a sure sign of trouble brewing....</span></div><br />
<div style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgJMH-hFF487s_21RI5mKZbtsID8gu_lS9me-hcQ-nKwyFUauB-ULGIUH-hgBWgOseAfEPBvdAv1ZoW1JlsFpdNx84q728tN6Htg-UtDH3aiq_KXyKWckMjZzD1cEP_rrPqaXaZ/s1600-h/10+shadow+tan.JPG"><img alt="" border="0" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5100707558089505666" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgJMH-hFF487s_21RI5mKZbtsID8gu_lS9me-hcQ-nKwyFUauB-ULGIUH-hgBWgOseAfEPBvdAv1ZoW1JlsFpdNx84q728tN6Htg-UtDH3aiq_KXyKWckMjZzD1cEP_rrPqaXaZ/s320/10+shadow+tan.JPG" style="cursor: pointer; display: block; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center;" /></a><span style="font-size: 85%;">No seriously. I'm a walking PSA ...</span></div><br />
<div style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhSHcmc7QTQoeyPCpNeGS3EKpAqUFrMBAW0H1xejWCGCA_axzk2gkK5SQQKkKUzPC1szx_VzJAmTFX4dYWMnPfKdwYFaMDOYi9tmvpqFRWiU6Lc9lmXO4XvIgko7gp87lcVGDwf/s1600-h/12+rebuild+masque.JPG"><img alt="" border="0" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5100706681916177234" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhSHcmc7QTQoeyPCpNeGS3EKpAqUFrMBAW0H1xejWCGCA_axzk2gkK5SQQKkKUzPC1szx_VzJAmTFX4dYWMnPfKdwYFaMDOYi9tmvpqFRWiU6Lc9lmXO4XvIgko7gp87lcVGDwf/s320/12+rebuild+masque.JPG" style="cursor: pointer; display: block; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center;" /></a><span style="font-size: 85%;">We can rebuild him!</span></div><br />
<div style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgOOzdjAKw2kKsw7XbK9_3gpI9ygd9qfCv7MvinBEPFgwjWlW6axmRgBzS3wRcPDaJsyoREkBApuzNP_Ibb-9xPH_r2wvwb7WKlm41houkTxwlskl_kLiLR19P-Wii1s2yHjrIQ/s1600-h/13+TAN+karaoke.jpg"><img alt="" border="0" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5100706531592321858" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgOOzdjAKw2kKsw7XbK9_3gpI9ygd9qfCv7MvinBEPFgwjWlW6axmRgBzS3wRcPDaJsyoREkBApuzNP_Ibb-9xPH_r2wvwb7WKlm41houkTxwlskl_kLiLR19P-Wii1s2yHjrIQ/s320/13+TAN+karaoke.jpg" style="cursor: pointer; display: block; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center;" /></a><span style="font-size: 85%;">Guess who's back. Still assimilated, but now w/ microphones and middle fingers.</span></div><br />
<div style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhp8xH2aByygNk14b7zSwfC7MXyFa5cuATiS_WJa9yJvYKhefA8CT9_W9erEr-_4QMWGmpMCCud7iPZguIFMC9HQwVwz-nFwJEC6x5ZEg6S6T0xuAHUdzdZJD5frXM86UqGdbNV/s1600-h/14+tankaciscrewface.jpg"><img alt="" border="0" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5100706441398008626" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhp8xH2aByygNk14b7zSwfC7MXyFa5cuATiS_WJa9yJvYKhefA8CT9_W9erEr-_4QMWGmpMCCud7iPZguIFMC9HQwVwz-nFwJEC6x5ZEg6S6T0xuAHUdzdZJD5frXM86UqGdbNV/s320/14+tankaciscrewface.jpg" style="cursor: pointer; display: block; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center;" /></a><span style="font-size: 85%;">And an edgy screw-face, and new TAN teammates ...</span></div><br />
<div style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgwtC3gvFL5mhOSeZCQ0DFB1keTL-gQZvH_F8qqp7RxzW8lo7t8j-FB7kKhZKJQjYdvj-_Lc-oK2Wicwk9TtsiJT9lsmvGTn3_kxMWAT4Q214Qgzo7pUIbgS4mxMTmPHT-8xazr/s1600-h/15TAN+yellsjpg.jpg"><img alt="" border="0" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5100706342613760802" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgwtC3gvFL5mhOSeZCQ0DFB1keTL-gQZvH_F8qqp7RxzW8lo7t8j-FB7kKhZKJQjYdvj-_Lc-oK2Wicwk9TtsiJT9lsmvGTn3_kxMWAT4Q214Qgzo7pUIbgS4mxMTmPHT-8xazr/s320/15TAN+yellsjpg.jpg" style="cursor: pointer; display: block; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center;" /></a><span style="font-size: 85%;">And now I pretty much look like this all the time. I am assimilated negro! Hear me roar!</span></div>T.A.N.http://www.blogger.com/profile/03386902584581113328noreply@blogger.com23tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16210951.post-28534264390240813672011-12-24T14:12:00.002-05:002011-12-24T14:17:15.435-05:00Rules for Rhyming in Public<iframe width="480" height="360" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/YMIw82pX4mA" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe><br />
<br />
On behalf of this dude, and the viral video frenzy he created, I put some <a href="http://www.grantland.com/blog/hollywood-prospectus/post/_/id/40024/5-rules-for-rapping-in-public">tips for rhyming in public up on Grantland</a>. But definitely looking forward to everyone getting more comfortable with intense emotionally fraught karaoke sessions on public transportationT.A.N.http://www.blogger.com/profile/03386902584581113328noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16210951.post-22958361223103106122011-12-21T14:00:00.000-05:002023-07-07T13:28:02.433-04:00The Ten Blog Commandments<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgLZHmmFv04Xu1Kf33YVw5x_o4V0Ez_PepTNGybnCxoZ-nuSpRFI6jOgmc-OsPWB1s_gCa2GCKL4ldNYjLtsBtfXnt46pr_G8uPUNAiXr8efNys_U9y_L5vFCzBfDVbOh2LpbnHGw/s1600/trip+start.JPG" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}"><img alt="" border="0" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5468212199883204930" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgLZHmmFv04Xu1Kf33YVw5x_o4V0Ez_PepTNGybnCxoZ-nuSpRFI6jOgmc-OsPWB1s_gCa2GCKL4ldNYjLtsBtfXnt46pr_G8uPUNAiXr8efNys_U9y_L5vFCzBfDVbOh2LpbnHGw/s200/trip+start.JPG" style="cursor: hand; cursor: pointer; float: right; height: 133px; margin: 0 0 10px 10px; width: 200px;" /></a><br />
<iframe frameborder="0" height="32" scrolling="no" src="http://www.hipcast.com/playweb?audioid=P94789920a832718e5709ab6ceb3989abZ1t8S1REYmR9&buffer=5&shape=6&fc=FFFFFF&pc=0033CC&kc=0033CC&bc=000000&brand=1&player=bp14" width="84"></iframe><br />
<br />
Lyrics:<br />
<br />
It's the ten blog commandments!<br />
<br />
can't tell me nothing about this content<br />
these blogs<br />
this media ...<br />
<br />
for my creative peeps on the internet<br />
i ain't forget you ….<br />
~<br />
i been in this game for years<br />
your man tan's a caged animal<br />
some blogs write <a href="http://www.slate.com/id/2207061">rules</a><br />
i'm a rap the manual<br />
a step-by-step little ditty<br />
from ny city<br />
do as you please with<br />
take it or leave it<br />
<br />
<b>rule number uno</b><br />
<b><a name='more'></a></b><br />
make sure you know the odds<br />
blogs assholes opinions<br />
all number in the billions<br />
go from <a href="http://www.postcardsfromyomomma.com/">yo mama</a> reads<br />
to <a href="http://gawker.com/5456368/barack-obamas-blogroll">obama reads</a><br />
raise that flame up<br />
or give this game up<br />
<br />
<b>number 2</b><br />
don't sweat these blogs <a href="http://blog.newsweek.com/">tethered to news</a><br />
snoozy blah-blah<br />
pseudo-intellectual stews<br />
I went to <a href="http://gawker.com/5227723/ghetto-pass-a-picture-tour-of-spanish-harlem">hell again and back</a><br />
for that adrenaline for blacks<br />
tan: reverse em(inem), psycho-melanin attack<br />
<br />
<b>#3</b><br />
never trust no-bod-y<br />
your girl will jump the tip-off<br />
properly tipped off<br />
next time she's ticked off<br />
feeling shitty or pissed off<br />
tmz be in the bushes<br />
taking flicks of your dick soft<br />
<br />
<b>#4</b><br />
i know you heard this before<br />
never get high on your own supply<br />
<br />
<b>#5</b><br />
this one's kinda hard to define<br />
but like, i don't blog for hits<br />
i blog to change your <a href="http://gawker.com/5289566/negropedia-brown-the-case-of-the-undead-auto+tune">state of mind</a><br />
<br />
<b>number six</b><br />
not giving credit<br />
dead it<br />
you think these big blogs giving you links back?<br />
forget it<br />
<br />
<b>SEVEN</b><br />
this rule is kinda underrated<br />
but yo, isolate your niche<br />
then you gotta dominate it<br />
more than a blog and reason<br />
that's the reason to blog<br />
be a top dog<br />
not a cog along for the jog<br />
<br />
<b>#8</b><br />
whether you blog for dreams or the green<br />
best be better than a hype-hyping machine<br />
<br />
<b>#9</b><br />
might have been # 2 for you<br />
don't follow ever <a href="http://www.reddit.com/">latest</a> social <a href="http://digg.com/">tool</a> for <a href="http://www.stumbleupon.com/">you</a><br />
just keep the lines genuine<br />
don't litter the spot<br />
you'll see intellect connects if you on twitter or not<br />
<br />
<b>#10</b><br />
whether you blog <a href="http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/blogs/parenting/index">babies</a> or <a href="http://fashionista.com/">fashion</a><br />
have fun<br />
make sure your posts don't taste like aspirin<br />
if you ain't got the stamina<br />
say hell no<br />
peeps want they content<br />
rain sleet hail snow<br />
<br />
<br />
follow these rules you might make 20 dollars<br />
if not, call your boy tan<br />
just holla<br />
live from the squalor<br />
dropouts or in colla<br />
eat this new version<br />
of fried chicken with the collards<br />
tan, walking off the cliff<br />
i lead never folla<br />
not in the van dolla<br />
<a href="http://gawker.com/5446655/mcdonalds-is-not-the-savior-of-hip-hop">laying demos for mcdona</a><br />
i swear it to your honor<br />
wear it on my karma<br />
every day i die<br />
and come back tomorrow<br />
<br />
TO REVIEW:<br />
<br />
1 - know the odds<br />
2 - not just news<br />
3 - can't trust people, sorry<br />
4 - high on your own supply (egotism, narcissism, solipsism, etc)<br />
5 - not just hits<br />
6 - give credit<br />
7 - know your niche, dominate<br />
8 - not just hype-hype-hype!!!<br />
9 - social tools are just tools<br />
10 - have fun, stamina<br />
<br />
Previously in Commandment homages:<br />
<a href="http://gawker.com/5257485/genius-is-permanent-the-five-tat-commandments">The Five Tat Commandments</a><br />
<a href="http://theassimilatednegro.blogspot.com/2009/03/has-anyone-referred-wall-street-to-ten.html">Has Wall Street heard the Ten Crack Commandments?</a>T.A.N.http://www.blogger.com/profile/03386902584581113328noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16210951.post-65022190288597480932011-12-20T13:47:00.000-05:002011-12-20T13:48:48.448-05:00I Wanna Dress Like MikeI had sort of noticed Michael Jordan seemed to dress not quite like a champion. But only until someone started collecting the case studies on <a href="http://wtfismikewearing.tumblr.com/">tumblr</a> did I grasp the hilarious weight of the problem. OMG
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what can you say about the greatest basketball player to ever live wearing a two-tone <a href="http://theassimilatednegro.blogspot.com/2011/10/on-sale-forever-chopper-suits.html">chopper suit</a>?</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgBF-hYpCW1W6IrnJbeipFvhHdCo4ytx1yVRnFU6X4NDDNiC8KDSTT52AZ9bVF_03gskBoXvAnHG0s8WL_HkIyHqfgB-mQQoZF_YdENJWGOAUkCNcRY5zu7J92OeV_cAXc4A7lhtg/s1600/fbd16f08781644623df7f8fff19aa7cf-getty-90445066bc106_hof.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgBF-hYpCW1W6IrnJbeipFvhHdCo4ytx1yVRnFU6X4NDDNiC8KDSTT52AZ9bVF_03gskBoXvAnHG0s8WL_HkIyHqfgB-mQQoZF_YdENJWGOAUkCNcRY5zu7J92OeV_cAXc4A7lhtg/s400/fbd16f08781644623df7f8fff19aa7cf-getty-90445066bc106_hof.jpg" width="265" /></a></div>
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i was expecting the YMCA look <i>before</i> he became the most heavily endorsed athlete ever</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjm9uEYtBAvsUDw7pZl3tFIYwXOCreHMtGHXc3G9wg5jo4HjapCLTJybHZb7s5sGzwbxTzTgPWY51qITCbTlz4LfzDod3LBVkwDdWGytnK9PiyWXN9Xu-1N_f38jDiKcrH6tKhMvw/s1600/QLTZK.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjm9uEYtBAvsUDw7pZl3tFIYwXOCreHMtGHXc3G9wg5jo4HjapCLTJybHZb7s5sGzwbxTzTgPWY51qITCbTlz4LfzDod3LBVkwDdWGytnK9PiyWXN9Xu-1N_f38jDiKcrH6tKhMvw/s400/QLTZK.jpg" width="328" /></a></div>
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he had to lose a bet with Dr. J on this, right? </div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiqwxPblOJFaaDsIqippbtRZQibYGzUmA0LqqOHtsUUeE1msjPQbHvPEykyXRfGTPKrJ9RhDqiaAicz6u8-gyOHE6V1-qmZkPd36sXhYnnrF2If2cEv9ZJTsQQuJ2_UnqXa5nOSZg/s1600/rJAxA.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiqwxPblOJFaaDsIqippbtRZQibYGzUmA0LqqOHtsUUeE1msjPQbHvPEykyXRfGTPKrJ9RhDqiaAicz6u8-gyOHE6V1-qmZkPd36sXhYnnrF2If2cEv9ZJTsQQuJ2_UnqXa5nOSZg/s400/rJAxA.jpg" width="297" /></a></div>
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I am no fashion plate, or style guru (all the people who know me are nodding their heads right now) but this is bizarro. the only explanation is that same singular focus that led him to being the greatest baller, guides his wardrobe choices. only his closet is full of L's instead of championships, and he accepts no coaching.<br />
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and lest you think it's only hanging out with the fellas</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjW1KeFjrjR7Bv_yephYYcpQN-ePNwsM7Xz111yQGLV55MrNFrbv_E1q_eE9_m7dkxoRf7urY7Yb0uaqrZkG9JcdG_BFG80NZzDq9yZSL_y-UPgkyEZ2Jk18QjSZgI81x5TLNLWrg/s1600/gO0BA.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjW1KeFjrjR7Bv_yephYYcpQN-ePNwsM7Xz111yQGLV55MrNFrbv_E1q_eE9_m7dkxoRf7urY7Yb0uaqrZkG9JcdG_BFG80NZzDq9yZSL_y-UPgkyEZ2Jk18QjSZgI81x5TLNLWrg/s400/gO0BA.jpg" width="275" /></a></div>
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<a href="http://wtfismikewearing.tumblr.com/">WTF is Michael Jordan Wearing?</a> [Tumblr]T.A.N.http://www.blogger.com/profile/03386902584581113328noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16210951.post-56240928142567469892011-12-15T16:49:00.000-05:002011-12-15T16:49:35.207-05:00When You Said You Were Getting Your Nails Did I Was Not Expecting The Finger Apocalypsevia <a href="http://www.thedailybeast.com/galleries/2011/12/08/dzine-book-craziest-nails-photos.html">The Daily Beast</a> and <a href="http://thehairpin.com/2011/12/the-magnificent-and-horrifying-world-of-nail-art">Hairpin</a>, and I can only presume in cahoots with the curators at the <a href="http://theassimilatednegro.blogspot.com/2010/06/portrait-of-artist-as-young-barber.html">Museum of Modern Barbershop Art</a>, comes THE CRAZIEST EXPERIMENTS IN GETTING YOUR NAILS DID EVER:<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjyXkBwdkHz1xLHxXNgz0f8592n-9hUeUXSXNYY5zn5Baq4fABmWzIYRFYbtnmWdtebtYZwUlsVpCvBmYpUKhTl0vtXEQaiOJnlXB_e39o-oOAY7ytiVCclunYxoAjd2jfNH2Pclg/s1600/image.wide.1323823690222.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="440" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjyXkBwdkHz1xLHxXNgz0f8592n-9hUeUXSXNYY5zn5Baq4fABmWzIYRFYbtnmWdtebtYZwUlsVpCvBmYpUKhTl0vtXEQaiOJnlXB_e39o-oOAY7ytiVCclunYxoAjd2jfNH2Pclg/s640/image.wide.1323823690222.jpg" width="640" /></a></div>
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<br />
These are my favorite. Knives for fingernails! You've got something in your eye, let me get it for you...<br />
<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgAwG7PrtWMyXWlY1fGwXMPbj1WSi5YVn7vf2R0nWRHrjWzGkxaoXOP14gyNRxHy3hGXjJ8ITqjgMSFTBGOfvXzoGmqtFt3X8rxRbXQVjbhBlUujMp-RHllAvAnvMH0t1T1WXf0ZA/s1600/image.wide.1323823697733.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="440" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgAwG7PrtWMyXWlY1fGwXMPbj1WSi5YVn7vf2R0nWRHrjWzGkxaoXOP14gyNRxHy3hGXjJ8ITqjgMSFTBGOfvXzoGmqtFt3X8rxRbXQVjbhBlUujMp-RHllAvAnvMH0t1T1WXf0ZA/s640/image.wide.1323823697733.jpg" width="640" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
and for the sneaker head in your life... <br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg1TDsm46501_L1FFSjt4ZBF3zd1lbvyaVZIZHn1tmjxL2i9tbRPyvnfmby5AsDgHl8AuvFffNznw-ZOz5sCs5NfyNw4xFjv6C2BlPrBiQbB2El53G6Sodu43tmQ8XGcGXTQZgE3w/s1600/image.wide.1323823714400.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="436" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg1TDsm46501_L1FFSjt4ZBF3zd1lbvyaVZIZHn1tmjxL2i9tbRPyvnfmby5AsDgHl8AuvFffNznw-ZOz5sCs5NfyNw4xFjv6C2BlPrBiQbB2El53G6Sodu43tmQ8XGcGXTQZgE3w/s640/image.wide.1323823714400.jpg" width="640" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
"<i>a new book, <a href="http://standardhotels.myshopify.com/products/dzine-nailed-the-history-of-nail-culture-and-dzine">Nailed: The History of Nail Culture and Dzine</a>, is a 232-page exploration into the underground world of nail culture.</i>" Not for everyone, but ok. cool. Might be a fun gift, or warning.T.A.N.http://www.blogger.com/profile/03386902584581113328noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16210951.post-63734908231875367412011-12-14T18:36:00.000-05:002011-12-14T18:36:59.791-05:00Are The Roots 'America's Band'? (Yes)<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgCcf0oOU6a1eQJmu5QzUCLVAJDeHkai7fXCo3IMxZiwLILvCj2Ayc8sS-BDY_zbVW608BZ94TwmDahS7jVqbnft41uPUspcLRZWw1CEyxbBjbLX_88zEVGaSpPLd7YCb2U_UR2zA/s1600/the-roots.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="192" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgCcf0oOU6a1eQJmu5QzUCLVAJDeHkai7fXCo3IMxZiwLILvCj2Ayc8sS-BDY_zbVW608BZ94TwmDahS7jVqbnft41uPUspcLRZWw1CEyxbBjbLX_88zEVGaSpPLd7YCb2U_UR2zA/s320/the-roots.jpg" width="320" /></a>Pop quiz!<br />
<br />
But with a twist: We’ll provide the multiple choice answers (a la Jeopardy) and your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to figure out the correct question.<br />
<br />
Looks like this:<br />
<br />
<i>a. The Beatles </i><br />
<i>b. The Beach Boys </i><br />
<i>c. Nirvana </i><br />
<i>d. Coldplay </i><br />
<i>e. The Rolling Stones </i><br />
<i>f. Jeez, are our music sensibilities still colonized by the Brits? </i><br />
<i>g. The Roots </i><br />
<br />
The answer is: “g. The Roots.”<br />
<br />
WHAT IS OUR QUESTION?<br />
<br />
[<i>tune of the Grantland Theme Song plays in background</i>]<br />
<br />
Ok. Sorry I forgot to mention the timer, but: Time’s up!<br />
<br />
<i>...<a href="http://www.grantland.com/blog/hollywood-prospectus/post/_/id/39201/the-roots-americas-band">CONTINUED ON GRANTLAND</a>...</i><br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.grantland.com/blog/hollywood-prospectus/post/_/id/39201/the-roots-americas-band">The Roots: America's Band</a> [Grantland]T.A.N.http://www.blogger.com/profile/03386902584581113328noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16210951.post-1165945404043207692011-12-12T12:43:00.003-05:002021-12-24T19:09:29.547-05:0021 More Questions<a href="http://photos1.blogger.com/x/blogger/6719/1530/1600/306520/50_Cent_21_Questions.jpg" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}"><img alt="" border="0" src="http://photos1.blogger.com/x/blogger/6719/1530/200/26955/50_Cent_21_Questions.jpg" style="cursor: pointer; float: right; margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px;" /></a>Here's a little piece of my 50 Cent <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/21_Questions">21 Questions</a> parody. <div><br /></div><div>No comment on my Nate Dogg impression. Y'all know I intend to get someone to sing that for me. </div><div><br /></div><div>And even though it's old, I might still shoot a little sketch video for this, cause it's classic material.
But in the meantime, in-between time...</div><div><br /></div><div>New York City… </div><div>you are now rallying…</div><div>with The Assimilated </div><div><br /></div><div>when I blog sometimes I twist the la </div><div>write posts on my I-book g5 </div><div>it’s all white, like these girls that’s on my jock </div><div>I don’t know son, it makes no sense to me </div><div>hope you got everything you need cause I </div><div>am so broke it might even make you cry </div><div>got some questions that I gotta ask and I </div><div>don’t give a fcuk what you give as an answer babe </div><div>Grrrrrlll </div><div>It’s easy to love TAN </div><div>But what if I’m not a brand? </div><div>Just a man </div><div>Would you still have love for me? </div><div>Grrrrrlll </div><div>Can you get me a Ketel-cran? </div><div>The official drink of TAN </div><div>So scram</div><div>And show your love for me </div><div> </div><div><span style="font-weight: bold;">Verse 1</span> </div><div><br /></div><div>if I got AIDS tomorrow
would you still touch me? </div><div>if I lost both my arms
would you still hug me? </div><div>if I got knocked into a coma for half a century
could I count on you to still have respect for me mentally?</div><div>if I killed the prez
i’m on the run from the feds </div><div>would you mind wearing a beard
and growing some dreds? </div><div>if I give you a black eye
you wearing glasses to hide? </div><div>if you caught me cheating
would you let it slide? </div><div>if I got you a fake bag for $5.99 </div><div>are you giving me head
or starting to whine? </div><div>what if you work a tough job
straight walking with blisters </div><div>while I’m home, unemployed
banging your sister? </div><div>if I bite off your tongue
would you bite back??? </div><div>if I nut in your eye
would you wipe that??? </div><div>I could piss in your mouth
you know a nightcap??? </div><div>might pass a little gass
I know you like that ... </div><div> CHORUS </div><div><a href="http://theassimilatednegro.blogspot.com/2005/10/tan-audio-room.html">
More TAN Audio</a> </div><div></div>T.A.N.http://www.blogger.com/profile/03386902584581113328noreply@blogger.com17tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16210951.post-71853641639015236372011-12-07T16:07:00.001-05:002011-12-14T18:38:07.454-05:00Who Will Star in America's Cutest Hip Hop Baby Video?I have few words for this supernova of adorableness, except to say <a href="http://tan3000.tumblr.com/post/13887419632/yoooooo-i-can-not-deal-with-this-two-year-old-kid">I may be pregnant</a> with this two-year-old Rap Star<br />
<br />
<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="279" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/an_STKm-524" width="490"></iframe>
<br />
<br />
and also, this might be enough to get the "Who Will Be America's Cutest Hip Hop Baby Video?" competition started. I guess you have to set an age limit, and at two years old the homey above might <i>just</i> make the cut for the "Baby Division". (The <a href="http://youtu.be/O1zR2Kueguc">four-year-olds</a> might be licking their chops for his graduation though.)<br />
<br />
On the more truly "baby" end of the field, your likely #1 contender is the Biggie Baby.<br />
<br />
<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="360" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/D7_0SOTQLIQ" width="480"></iframe>
<br />
<br />
Can't front on the charm of "ok, ok, biggie is coming back...", but I think I give more points for actually rapping confidently, on beat, and unintelligibly.<br />
<br />
I guess we'll get one more on here to make sure we got a full trend piece:<br />
<br />
<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="360" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/7tYtDxphi1c" width="480"></iframe>
<br />
<br />
solid effort from someone taking a nap at the start of the clip. but we'll have to view the rest of the field in competition to see where it stacks up in the final rankings. stay tuned!T.A.N.http://www.blogger.com/profile/03386902584581113328noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16210951.post-77039360524234774022011-12-06T12:10:00.000-05:002011-12-06T12:13:10.729-05:00Mike Tyson Sings the Bossa Nova Classics!Every time you think Mike "I want to eat your children" Tyson can no longer shock you, the 2008-2011 Renaissance Man of the Year comes up with a new chameleon transformation. And now, drumroll please, here he is singing "The Girl from Ipanema":<br />
<br />
<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="360" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/TSXO6XG5irU" width="480"></iframe>
<br />
<br />
Whuuuuuut?? Well, that wasn't terrible. Think he had some autotune on it. But man, <a href="http://theassimilatednegro.blogspot.com/2008/12/i-think-i-can-beat-mike-tyson.html">we've come a long way, baby</a>.T.A.N.http://www.blogger.com/profile/03386902584581113328noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16210951.post-67236267443130258052011-11-30T20:13:00.000-05:002011-11-30T20:13:00.555-05:00Best "Safe Sex" Song Since the Invention of Safe SexI do not understand why this song has not won an EGOT (Emmy, Grammy, Oscar, Tony). Have they just not cast votes yet? It is amazing.
<br />
<br />
forever indebted to <a href="http://tumblinerb.com/post/13448611928/bo-deal-f-mello-g-bianca-safe-sex-brick">Noz</a> for getting in internet rotation. And he sums it up best:
<br />
<br />
<i>"It’s a banger though and a fascinating record, particularly as far as the continued evolution of shock rap values are concerned. Dudes used to advocate late term coat hanger abortions in their raps, now they try and trick them into keeping babies."</i>
<br />
<br />
<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="274" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/KtpOq8Qe36I" width="480"></iframe>
<br />
<br />
a gender battle, dope hook, homey poking holes in the condom, hip-hop wave feminist.... there's no wink to the camera, just flame-on fiiiire...PLAY IT, LEARN IT, LIVE IT<br />
<br />
<a href="http://somanyshrimp.com/2011/11/20/bo-deal-safe-sex-feat-mello-g-blanca-video/">Bo Deal f/ Mello G Bianca - “Safe Sex” (Brick Squad/Mixtape, 2011)</a>T.A.N.http://www.blogger.com/profile/03386902584581113328noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16210951.post-44230006157072629862011-11-29T12:03:00.000-05:002011-11-29T12:44:34.786-05:005 Things I Always Tell Daisy Lowe About Donald Glover<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgTmhgXffRXvP0nbJNYitOoyditF9AVfp1E-aklCHzjZFfJuGEMLL7_peVqGgf711DyXuZwqUHy-MTgmF6Y2vbBdWlpBHpgSSNpNfcHLXkwNgiPJkKqc0pxTVeedSZeKo4vWWm3ig/s1600/DGLarge.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgTmhgXffRXvP0nbJNYitOoyditF9AVfp1E-aklCHzjZFfJuGEMLL7_peVqGgf711DyXuZwqUHy-MTgmF6Y2vbBdWlpBHpgSSNpNfcHLXkwNgiPJkKqc0pxTVeedSZeKo4vWWm3ig/s1600/DGLarge.jpg" /></a><i><b><a href="http://thoughtcatalog.com/2011/5-things-i-always-tell-daisy-lowe-about-donald-glover/">ON THOUGHT CATALOG</a></b></i><br />
<br />
I have this recurring dream.<br />
<br />
In the dream I turn to my model girlfriend <a href="http://tan3000.tumblr.com/post/13152321996/rezime-she-is-so-hot-for-jason">Daisy Lowe</a> at a Childish Gambino show and say, “See, he’s like The Throne and Lonely Island in the same dude!”<br />
<br />
Her eyes twinkle before she grabs me, plants a kiss on my lips, and yells out like that adorable <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IDhjpqIQS84">Debeers Diamond</a> commercial, “I love this man! Yes, that’s brilliant! And it’s so sexy to deconstruct it from afar, over being, like, on stage. Seriously! We should just go home and talk more…” followed by a big slow wink and a smile.<br />
<br />
<i><b><a href="http://thoughtcatalog.com/2011/5-things-i-always-tell-daisy-lowe-about-donald-glover/">CONTINUED...</a></b></i>
<br />
<br />
<a href="http://thoughtcatalog.com/2011/5-things-i-always-tell-daisy-lowe-about-donald-glover/">5 Things I Always Tell Daisy Lowe About Donald Glover</a> [Thought Catalog]<br />
<br />
<b><i><br /></i></b>T.A.N.http://www.blogger.com/profile/03386902584581113328noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16210951.post-55224474959683864572011-11-28T11:45:00.001-05:002011-12-03T17:51:25.894-05:00Grab Your Puffies: The NBA's Coming Back<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjBzabMjFqp8lMIJo__OZQPje5JnoWDoLKTOHHq9S9nnCBAgklzNcCPb2IUYcajKxKv3tssRtS21FO5m_bD7sb7RMaAyDzTWvXvKG_XmpVfxw7UcCFUC1C7AOZMWIJRbOKEwk7Khw/s1600/grantland_a_anthony-wade-james01jr_576.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjBzabMjFqp8lMIJo__OZQPje5JnoWDoLKTOHHq9S9nnCBAgklzNcCPb2IUYcajKxKv3tssRtS21FO5m_bD7sb7RMaAyDzTWvXvKG_XmpVfxw7UcCFUC1C7AOZMWIJRbOKEwk7Khw/s1600/grantland_a_anthony-wade-james01jr_576.jpg" /></a></div>
<br />
I'll round up some of our <a href="http://www.grantland.com/blog/the-triangle">Grantland</a> coverage here. Updates to come (I think)<br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.grantland.com/story/_/id/7290902/the-nba-back">The NBA Is Back</a>, Grantland Staff<br />
<a href="http://www.grantland.com/story/_/id/7287864/why-all-forget-nba-lockout">Why We Will Forget the Lockout, NBA and Social Media</a>, Jay Caspian Kang<br />
<a href="http://www.grantland.com/story/_/id/7287382/genuine-glee">How the Summer Lockout changed the way we watch basketball</a>, Hua Hsu<br />
<a href="http://www.grantland.com/story/_/id/7290108/winners-losers-nba-lockout">NBA Winners & Losers</a>, Jonathan Abrams<br />
<a href="http://www.grantland.com/story/_/id/7290143/it-just-money">It Wasn't (Just) About the Money</a>, Charles P. Pierce<br />
<a href="http://www.grantland.com/blog/the-triangle/post/_/id/10778/lasting-images-from-the-nba-lockout">Lasting Images from the Lockout</a>, Carles<br />
<a href="http://www.grantland.com/blog/the-triangle/post/_/id/10749/25-reasons-why-well-miss-the-nba-lockout">25 Reasons We'll Miss the Lockout</a>, Rembert Browne<br />
<a href="http://www.grantland.com/blog/the-triangle/post/_/id/10805/feral-dingos-and-the-kardashians-secrets-of-the-new-cba-revealed">Secrets of the New CBA Revealed</a>, Ben Detrick<br />
<br />
Previously: <a href="http://www.grantland.com/blog/the-triangle/post/_/id/9684/nba-lockout-nba-nuclear-winter-reading-list">Nuclear Winter Reading List</a>T.A.N.http://www.blogger.com/profile/03386902584581113328noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16210951.post-83043154473377049522011-11-18T11:56:00.001-05:002011-11-18T20:58:33.632-05:00"Just A Friend" = the New Hip-Hop National AnthemEveryone knows Biz Markie's classic "Just A Friend. Probably more so than the <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Star-Spangled_Banner">real national anthem</a> (also a "classic").<br />
<br />
And it's useful for commercials:<br />
<br />
<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="274" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/hkNm3aitctY" width="480"></iframe><br />
<br />
Or Late Night television where Jimmy Kimmel got it updated it for Facebook<br />
<br />
<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="274" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/kI62XFynbIk" width="480"></iframe><br />
<br />
<br />
Not to mention <a href="http://theassimilatednegro.blogspot.com/2007/07/my-conversation-with-biz-markie.html">my interview w/ Biz</a> a few years ago. Which if you missed it, here's that transcript again:<br />
<a name='more'></a><br />
<br />
<b>Biz:</b> Have you ever met a girl that you tried to date, but a year to make love she wanted you to wait?<br />
<br />
<i><b>TAN:</b> a year? no way, that's ridiculous.</i><br />
<br />
<b>Biz:</b> Let me tell ya a story of my situation. I was talking to this girl from the u.s. nation<br />
<br />
<i><b>TAN:</b> Huh, ok, yeah I feel you, I've only messed with stateside girls too. But the <a href="http://theassimilatednegro.blogspot.com/2007/06/missed-connections-you-foreign-chick.html">foreign chicks</a> do intrigue me... </i><br />
<br />
<b>Biz:</b> The way that I met her was on tour at a concert. She had long hair and a short miniskirt.<br />
<br />
<b><i>TAN:</i></b><i> So? Well, I guess it is better than short hair and a long skirt ...</i><br />
<br />
<b>Biz:</b> I just got off stage dripping, pouring with sweat. I was walking through the crowd and guess who I met? I whispered in her ear, "come to the picture booth, so I can ask you some questions to see if you're 100 proof"<br />
<br />
<i><b>TAN:</b> picture booth?</i><br />
<br />
<b>B:</b> I asked her her name, she said blah-blah-blah<br />
<br />
<i><b>T:</b> word. How'd she look?</i><br />
<br />
<b>B:</b> She had 9/10 pants and a very big bra<br />
<br />
<i><b>T:</b> holla!</i><br />
<br />
<b>B:</b> I took a couple of flicks and she was enthused. I said, how do you like the show? She said, I was very amused. I started throwing bass, she started throwing back mid-range But when I sprung the question, she acted kind of strange.<br />
<br />
<i><b>T:</b> What'd you ask her? </i><br />
<br />
<b>B:</b> Then when I asked, do ya have a man, she tried to pretend she said, "no I don't, I only have a friend."<br />
<br />
<i><b>T:</b> oh dude, i don't know. that sounds a little sketchy ...</i><br />
<br />
<b>B:</b> Come on, I'm not even going for it. This is what I'm going to sing ...<br />
<br />
<i><b>T:</b> you're gonna sing?</i><br />
<br />
<b>B:</b> You, you got what I need<br />
but you say he's just a friend<br />
And you say he's just a friend,<br />
oh baby you, got what I need<br />
but you say he's just a friend<br />
But you say he's just a friend,<br />
oh baby you, got what I need<br />
but you say he's just a friend<br />
But you say he's just a friend<br />
<br />
<i><b>T:</b> uhhhh ... </i><br />
<br />
<b>B:</b> So I took blah-blahs word for it at this time. I thought just having a friend couldn't be no crime. Cause I have friends and that's a fact, like agnes, agatha, jermaine, and jack.<br />
<br />
<i><b>T:</b> Agnes? Agatha? </i><br />
<br />
<b>B:</b> Forget about that, lets go into the story. About a girl named blah-blah-blah that adored me.<br />
<br />
<i><b>T:</b> from you've said, it didn't sound like she "adored" you. She said, "very amused?" who even says that?</i><br />
<br />
<b>B:</b> So we started talking, getting familiar. Spending a lot of time so we can build a relationship, or some understanding. How its gonna be in the future we was planning.<br />
<br />
<i><b>T:</b> damn, you moving kind of fast son!</i><br />
<br />
<b>B:</b> Everything sounded so dandy and sweet. I had no idea I was in for a treat.<br />
<br />
<i><b>T:</b> word?</i><br />
<br />
<b>B:</b> After this was established, everything was cool.<br />
<br />
<b><i>T:</i></b><i> oh, ok.</i><br />
<br />
<b>B: </b>The tour was over and she went back to school.<br />
<br />
<b><i>T:</i></b><i> kinda young, huh?</i><br />
<br />
<b>B:</b> I called every day, to see how she was doing. Every time that I called her, it seemed something was brewing. I called her and a guy picked up, and then I called again. I said, yo, who was that?<br />
<br />
<i><b>T:</b> what'd she say?</i><br />
<br />
<b>B:</b> "oh, he's just a friend."<br />
<br />
<i><b>T:</b> nahh yo!</i><br />
<br />
<b>B:</b> Don't gimme that, don't even gimme that. yo bust this ...<br />
<br />
<i><b>T:</b> wait, are you gonna sing again?</i><br />
<br />
<b>B:</b> You, you got what I need<br />
but you say he's just a friend<br />
And you say he's just a friend,<br />
oh baby you, got what I need<br />
but you say he's just a friend<br />
But you say he's just a friend,<br />
oh baby you, got what I need<br />
but you say he's just a friend<br />
But you say he's just a friend<br />
<br />
<i><b>T:</b> Why are you singing? Did someone say you can sing?! [pause] it is kind of catchy though...</i><br />
<br />
<b>B:</b> So I came to her college on a surprise visit. To see my girl that was so exquisite.<br />
<br />
<i><b>T:</b> Oh this is bad. surprise visits are never a good look. Also, a lot of hype for a 9/10 pants girl, just sayin'.</i><br />
<br />
<b>B:</b> It was a school day, I knew she was there. The first semester of the school year.<br />
<br />
<i><b>T:</b> good detective work!</i><br />
<br />
<b>B:</b> I went to a gate to ask where was her dorm. This guy made me fill out a visitors form. He told me where it was and I as on my way. To see my baby doll, I was happy to say.<i></i><br />
<br />
<b><i>T:</i></b><i> yo, I can't believe you went to her dorm. this is just some college girl who came to your show, right ...?</i><br />
<br />
<b>B:</b> I arrived in front of the dormitory. Yo, could you tell me where is door three?<br />
<br />
<i><b>T:</b> ... it's also weird you had to fill out the form before getting to the dorm. such weird security. Was this NYU?</i><br />
<i><br /></i><b>B:</b> They showed me where it was, for the moment. I didn't know I was in for such an event. So I came to her room and opened the door. Oh, snap! guess what I saw?<br />
<br />
<i><b>T:</b> what??!!?</i><br />
<br />
<b>B:</b> A fella tongue-kissing my girl in the mouth, I was so in shock my heart went down south.<br />
<br />
<i><b>T:</b> damn, that sucks. but at least he wasn't penis-sexing your girl in the butt!</i><br />
<br />
<b>B:</b> So please listen to the message that I say. Don't ever talk to a girl who says she just has a friend.<br />
<br />
<i><b>T:</b> word.</i><br />
<br />
<a href="http://youtube.com/watch?v=_fUMMASRa2s">The Original Video</a>:<br />
<br />
<object height="350" width="415"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/_fUMMASRa2s">
<param name="wmode" value="transparent">
<embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/_fUMMASRa2s" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" wmode="transparent" height="350" width="415"></embed></object>T.A.N.http://www.blogger.com/profile/03386902584581113328noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16210951.post-41753962552887966412011-11-18T11:29:00.001-05:002011-11-18T11:40:14.610-05:00The Justin Bieber Mixtape ExperienceIs Justin Bieber better on old school tracks like "Dwyck:<br />
<br />
<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="274" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/CuQbHvPjcBw" width="480"></iframe>
<br />
<br />
or new school, like "Otis":<br />
<br />
<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="274" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/XBVXPYTzczU" width="480"></iframe><br />
<br />
<br />
I prefer old school.<br />
<br />
<a href="http://theassimilatednegro.blogspot.com/2007/03/songs-you-should-know-dwyck.html">Dwyck</a> dropped in 1994, on Gang Starr's "Hard to Earn". Here's 10 more songs from 1994 with dope beats for the Biebmatic('94) Mixtape:<br />
<br />
Who Shot Ya (Notorious BIG, Ready To Die - The Remaster)
<br />
Come Clean (Jeru, The Sun Rises in the East)
<br />
Halftime (Nas, Illmatic)
<br />
Resurrection (Common, Resurrection)<br />
Props Over Here (The Beatnuts, The Beatnuts)
<br />
Get It Together (Beastie Boys, Ill Communication)
<br />
Cosmic Slop (Redman, Dare Iz A Darksize
<br />
Distortion to Static (The Roots, Do You Want More?!!!??!)
<br />
Let's Organize (Organized Konfusion, Stress: The Extinction Agenda)
<br />
Crumblin' Erb (Outkast, Southernplayalisticadillacmuzik)
<br />
Comin' For Datazz (Gang Starr, Hard To Earn)<br />
<br />
<br />
The only <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/32079906@N07/4485443865/">artwork</a> that could suffice:
<a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/32079906@N07/4485443865/" title="Bie - Biebmatic by Alexander J Whitney Wright, on Flickr"><img alt="Bie - Biebmatic" height="500" src="http://farm5.static.flickr.com/4022/4485443865_e4e7d4378e.jpg" width="500" /></a>T.A.N.http://www.blogger.com/profile/03386902584581113328noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16210951.post-86810665598334991942011-11-17T13:29:00.000-05:002011-11-17T13:30:17.109-05:00Greenlight Bookstore Reading<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEggiC4VTcAtILEca102VOQNH1Omtf1qAn7E6_ucBSxjvhXNS_uT6LSrqkXL0rdXkRfxkssj1UrKsbBzY0jev_cj-Jru2vj8TWj2KjKJ0uvKXWnk3hM_7qCoQY5u0g7QUvHv7tjF9A/s1600/greenlight_bookstore.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEggiC4VTcAtILEca102VOQNH1Omtf1qAn7E6_ucBSxjvhXNS_uT6LSrqkXL0rdXkRfxkssj1UrKsbBzY0jev_cj-Jru2vj8TWj2KjKJ0uvKXWnk3hM_7qCoQY5u0g7QUvHv7tjF9A/s320/greenlight_bookstore.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<h1 class="title">
<a href="http://greenlightbookstore.com/event/steamboat-10">Steamboat</a></h1>
<strong><br /></strong><br />
<strong>TODAY</strong><br />
<strong><br /></strong><br />
<strong>Thursday, November 17, 7:30 PM<br /> Steamboat: A Literary Humor Series<br /> Hosted by Bob Powers<br /> Featuring Larry Doyle, Patrice Evans, Rev Jen, and Jon Friedman</strong><br />
On the third Thursday of every month, join comedian Bob Powers (author of <em>Happy Cruelty Day</em>) as he hosts the city's best humor writers for a night of wine-addled, text-based hilarity. This month's lineup includes Larry Doyle, author of <em>Deliriously Happy</em> and <em>Go, Mutants!</em>; Patrice Evans, aka "The Assimilated Negro," author of the new book <em>Negropedia</em>; Reverend Jen, author of the new book <em>Elf Girl</em>; and Jon Friedman, creator of The Rejection Show and editor of the book <em>Rejected</em>.<br />
<br />
<a href="http://greenlightbookstore.com/event/steamboat-10">Steamboat Reading w/ TAN</a> [Greenlight Bookstore]T.A.N.http://www.blogger.com/profile/03386902584581113328noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16210951.post-49933059080323568552011-11-16T17:42:00.001-05:002011-11-16T18:32:40.960-05:00Protect the Internet!Something is rotten in Congress.<br />
<br />
I don't know much, but many of the major blogging platforms and a lot of high-profile websites are pleading for folks to make their voices heard about possible new legislation that will allow entertainment companies to essentially censor the internet (protecting the corporations copyright over individual free speech, is what I understand to be the essence). Here's a video:<br />
<br />
<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="225" src="http://player.vimeo.com/video/31100268?byline=0&portrait=0" webkitallowfullscreen="" width="400"></iframe><br />
<a href="http://vimeo.com/31100268">PROTECT IP Act Breaks The Internet</a> from <a href="http://vimeo.com/fightforthefuture">Fight for the Future</a> on <a href="http://vimeo.com/">Vimeo</a>.<br />
<br />
Read more:<br />
<br />
<a href="http://americancensorship.org/">American Censorship Day</a><br />
<a href="http://www.avc.com/a_vc/2011/11/the-architecture-of-the-internet.html">Fred Wilson: Architecture of the Internet</a><br />
<a href="http://boingboing.net/2011/11/11/stop-sopa-save-the-internet.html">BoingBoing: Stop SOPA, Save the Internet</a><br />
<a href="https://www.eff.org/deeplinks/2011/10/sopa-hollywood-finally-gets-chance-break-Internet">EFF: Hollywood Finally Gets Chance to Break Internet</a><br />
<a href="http://judiciary.house.gov/hearings/pdf/112%20HR%203261.pdf">The legislation itself: Stop Online Piracy Act (SOPA)</a><br />
<a href="http://arstechnica.com/tech-policy/news/2011/10/house-takes-senates-bad-internet-censorship-bill-makes-it-worse.ars">Ars Technica: House makes bad internet censorship bill worse</a><br />
<br />
and there's plenty more if you dig around on any of those sites. but mostly I think aggregate clicks and presence from the collective voice of the internet is needed, so spread the word. use the <a href="http://americancensorship.org/">American Censorship Day</a> link, or Tumblr's <a href="http://www.tumblr.com/protect-the-net">Protect the Net page</a>.T.A.N.http://www.blogger.com/profile/03386902584581113328noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16210951.post-2934895932730982322011-11-16T13:25:00.001-05:002021-12-23T23:26:43.278-05:00WIth This Orgasm I Thee Wed<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi8QEQWNFjyLBFLt0k6sx0XzhA7CstjFKJkHkn20GKimpcTZIxMQDwKubwxn43aBPyi9wVKkY8urupShQyfsePPaEdOPXy_Rb7twW6izthLnLChTQTlZPbNDS7-Y1O-25Odl5Sv/s1600-h/225741742_6ecd1668bc.jpg" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}"><img alt="" border="0" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5133501882541809682" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi8QEQWNFjyLBFLt0k6sx0XzhA7CstjFKJkHkn20GKimpcTZIxMQDwKubwxn43aBPyi9wVKkY8urupShQyfsePPaEdOPXy_Rb7twW6izthLnLChTQTlZPbNDS7-Y1O-25Odl5Sv/s200/225741742_6ecd1668bc.jpg" style="cursor: pointer; float: right; margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px;" /></a>It recently dawned on me that I don’t like girls. I like girls cumming.<div><br /></div><div>Don't get me wrong, girls are awesome. I don't <i>dislike</i> them. They're all hot and stuff. And it's cute to see them laughing. But as smoking as you may be, every girl goes up a notch when she's cumming. </div><div><br /></div><div>Whenever I'm on a date or something it's sort of like yeah, blah blah, you like the museum, you like shopping, you like poetry, blahbity blah. And I'm always rocking the sly smile, and thinking, yeah you might like those things .... but you ain't gonna be talkin' about none of that ish when you're cumming tonight. The only spoken words for this evening are: Oh. My. God. </div><div><br /></div><div>It's the ultimate equalizer. If you can get them all flushed and winded and out of control and trembling and just ..... mmmmm. You feel like the Lebron James of labias who just went baseline and dunked on her dome, and you want to stand there and taunt, “Take that!! What say your years of feminist empowerment theory now, beeotch???” </div><div><br /></div><div>Cause that's when it's most satisfying, with these haughty you-can't-do-nothing-for-me girls. Pffft.
Although young girls are nice also. Like under 30. I almost think young girls getting the business is something that demands federal regulation. It's like legal slavery. You break off a good one and you can go ahead and hook the plow up around her neck and have her till the fields or whatever. I got my 40 Acres and A Girl I made cum last night.</div><div><br /></div><div>Of course this is a lot of tough talk and bravado, and I know there are a couple girls reading this thinking, naaaahhhh TAN, I know you, you ain't no Lebron James son. I've certainly had my fair share of depressing nights where I've had nothing to work with but two cold eyes staring at me while I jigger-jigger away, “um, yeah, your little wrap-around-and-diddling-my-doodle thing might have worked on that virgin, but I need less limp noodle and more beef in my Lo Mein, nah mean.” Or at least, that's what the asian chicks say. </div><div><br /></div><div>Fact is, if you're an alcoholic and blessed with an <a href="http://theassimilatednegro.blogspot.com/2006/01/open-letter-from-black-guy-to-his.html">Okey Dokey Pokey</a>, some swings-and misses are inevitable.
But it doesn't change the point. Come to think of it, I don't think I'm friends with any girls who I've swung-and-missed with. Strictly enemies. No love. No emails. Just spit in my face if I happen to cross their path.
So again, it just goes to show, it's not about the girl, it's about her orgasm. The rest is all blahbity-blah. </div><div><br /></div><div>I think that's all I have to say. Now .... bring on the weekend!!!</div><div><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjxswlSNJzoVtgo7JujQo8S6tCqHt7kqBpAYOtunaTlyR7VacAWwUL9G5T71t6pexHV2sl3F22s3tOdWQB5uzyrliqaAlPZxz0cwf5kWRgrKLYrsyElPIIa17g2ByJCOB2sKi2e/s1600-h/orgasm+switch.jpg" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}"><img alt="" border="0" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5133502015685795874" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjxswlSNJzoVtgo7JujQo8S6tCqHt7kqBpAYOtunaTlyR7VacAWwUL9G5T71t6pexHV2sl3F22s3tOdWQB5uzyrliqaAlPZxz0cwf5kWRgrKLYrsyElPIIa17g2ByJCOB2sKi2e/s320/orgasm+switch.jpg" style="cursor: pointer; display: block; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center;" /></a></div>T.A.N.http://www.blogger.com/profile/03386902584581113328noreply@blogger.com20tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16210951.post-5622666558006986112011-11-14T16:15:00.001-05:002021-12-23T23:33:39.234-05:00TAN Party Crash: Evening of Champions<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEht2h52VEH6wNNQaG_lXCF2akUZKGpvDZeb8WAsvf_aZ2aDeJe5xXapZYEjaOlRmaQHnWPGkG5thlXo1788La7DZwFPoEXu7A9IsvplONQZPigGLya0tn9Ns9XF5Eb8vVoVkrYc/s1600-h/kurt-poster_web.jpg" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}"><img alt="" border="0" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5132174033795482562" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEht2h52VEH6wNNQaG_lXCF2akUZKGpvDZeb8WAsvf_aZ2aDeJe5xXapZYEjaOlRmaQHnWPGkG5thlXo1788La7DZwFPoEXu7A9IsvplONQZPigGLya0tn9Ns9XF5Eb8vVoVkrYc/s400/kurt-poster_web.jpg" style="cursor: pointer; display: block; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center;" /></a>
Who types with his thumbs up, is brainwashed by The Man and covered in melanin???
This Guy!!! <div><br /></div><div>Oh wait, ANNNND he likes <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kurt_Vonnegut">Kurt Vonnegut</a>?
Ok, I messed that up. </div><div><br /></div><div>See I wanted to explain that I went to this Kurt Vonnegut party this Saturday, and I don't know, not to be all racist about it, but it just seems like such a "white thing" to do. I just feel if I were chilling in the jungles of Africa and had never laid eyes on a white person before, for whatever reason, I don't think I'd be in "DUMBO" checking out "<a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Breakfast_of_Champions">Evening of Champions</a>" in some new "artist loft space (sorry, quotes button broke from overuse). </div><div><br /></div><div>Yet and still, somewhere along the way "The Man" got to me, and I must confess, I was intrigued when <a href="http://www.myspace.com/monument">my friend</a>, who was <a href="http://www.myspace.com/monument">performing</a>, passed the flyer on. I couldn't read the text well, but I remember looking at the images and thinking, hmmmm, an evening with an Old White Man and The Ghosts of Slavemaster's Past. Sounds like my kind of band... I'm in!
Plus -- and clearly of more importance -- I was gonna go with a girl. A cute girl! A cute girl who knows sports!!! OMG OMG OMG!!! A cute girl who knows sports BUT ... she's from the Boston area. *sound of crashing expectations* Booooo! (Due to the Patriots, Red Sox and Celtics recent success every New England girl is an expert in all three sports, so they're to be avoided in general.) </div><div><br /></div><div>Lucky for me, this was no ordinary <strike>Masshole</strike> New England chick. This was the spectacularly sultry proprietor of <a href="http://thissuitisnotblack.blogspot.com/">This Suit Is Not Black</a>, seen coast-to-coast on the <a href="http://sports.aol.com/fanhouse/bloggers/this-suit-is-not-black/">AOL Fanhouse Minute</a>, and at <a href="http://deadspin.com/sports/deadspin/party-crash-our-birthday-bash-199116.php">Deadspin parties</a>. She is heretofore referenced as "K."
That sounds great, but there are problems: 1. K is hot, smart, funny and thus, out of my league. 2. She's become good friends with this girl I'm actively hearting at the moment (aww ... hi, you're out of my league too!). So even if I did somehow find The Lost Pheromones of Tom Brady, the sexual tension would still be doomed to simmer forever in Friend Zone purgatory just on the strength of the BFF Code of Proper Sexual Conduct. </div><div><br /></div><div>Now I haven't been out on a Friend Zone date in years. That's how I roll. To me "Friend Zone" means you want to use the extra-thick condoms that suck so we don't get all into it. So I wondered how this evening was going to go. And after the jump we'll find out if Friend Zone turned into End Zone, how to introduce yourself if you recognize The Assimilated Negro, and if K and I ended up learning anything about Durty Kurt Vonnegut. </div><div><br /></div><div>
<span style="font-size: 85%;">--------- </span><span style="font-size: 85%;"><i></i></span><span style="font-size: 85%;"><i>this is not a real jump. your ad here for, say, $500. Act now! </i></span><span style="font-size: 85%;">----------</span></div><div><br /></div><div>
The night begins at <a href="http://newyork.citysearch.com/profile/7087536/">Union Bar</a>, which is sort of a glorified-frat-house meets downtown-NYC type bar. It's relatively early in the evening, maybe 8PM, and the place is just getting warmed up. I order a glass of Pinot Noir cause, y'know, I'm gonna be the snobby cultural black dude that no one in the glorified frat house can say anything to cause they all reek so strong of obnoxious entitlement that I have legal grounds to beat the stink out of them based on their very existence amounting to a premeditated, AND RACIAL, assault on my person. Also, that's how I roll. So I get the glass of wine and break out my <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Moleskine">moleskine</a> notepad and commence with looking like a dark man of mystery who wandered into the wrong bar. </div><div><br /></div><div>I get my first glass down and start on a second when K arrives. Now as I've established K is an attractive girl etc etc, but I was a little bemused by her outfit which looked a little like she had to borrow clothes after a sleep over at <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sarah_McLachlan">Sarah Maclachlan's</a> place. Someone was very aware that this was a creative/concept party in Brooklyn is all I'm saying.
Anyboho, I'd been recruiting K to serve on my Council of Caucasian Females who are advising me on relevant aspects of my forthcoming book .... (forthcoming as in I'm now finally writing my proposal, not that I have a publisher. whatever. like it's not gonna be the most racist thing on earth if I don't find a publisher for <i>Black Men, White Women: A Love Story</i>.)
So we're talking, and heavens, the conversation is so free and easy and wonderful! I was really enjoying the Friend Zone. Who knew? Having the freedom to talk about everything in life without the distraction or innuendo of sexual impulses, it's great! It kinda makes me a little envious of ugly people, they must have such awesome convo ALL THE TIME. </div><div><br /></div><div>After a few rounds, we head to the party in DUMBO, and the whole hood looks very much like a place where people -- unhip Manhattanites, I'm sure -- get killed late at night. If I wanted to murder and have any sense of artistry about it, it would def be under one of these NYC bridges. I mention this to K and she says something about no one being able to kill the Patriots.
We find the party without little hassle, and the place is crowded with hipster-lite brooklyn people, but the atmosphere is boisterous, the music is good, my friend's lady is handling drinks and everything's all gravy. Yay BK party! </div><div><br /></div><div>Not long after arriving I have the unique experience -- unique to me and some a and b list celebrities -- of being recognized by a stranger. This is always a treat for me cause it's not like, "oh, are you Tom Cruise?" or "Are you Tyra Banks?" It's "oh, are you ........ the ............... assimilated ........................." and then I have to let them off the hook by announcing myself and confirming their suspicions or else they think they have the wrong guy.
But this guy was pretty direct, and once names are established K and I start talking to my new TAN friend. He's eventually joined by some cute hipster chick from the crowd. After further intros, I asked how they met and they tell me some cutesy story about making eyes on the train platform and him making a move. Aww. But then suddenly things turn sour. I asked a follow-up question and the girl started giving me attitude, and the guy was at a loss. It felt like one of those scenarios where a couple is in a honeymoon phase, and they're all giggly and bubbly telling some friends at a party, and then someone asks a question that neither honeymooner had considered to that point, and all of a sudden the honeymoon is over and you just witnessed it. Like this couple who found love <a href="http://gawker.com/news/love/patrick-moberg-and-camille-hayton-go-on-gma-to-viral+market-love-320933.php">via train and internet</a>. At some point they're going to look at each other and be like, oh, we met on the train. This is retarded. Bye. So it felt like K and I facilitated that lovely moment for our new buddies. Hope they like the Friend Zone! </div><div><br /></div><div>One pleasant surprise at the party were a couple old college friends being present. I'm so proud of so many peoples from my freshman year because our class broke all sorts of low-performance records. We had something like an 80% academic-probation rate (holla!), and did a lot of the dirty work to get us, a small liberal arts college, into the the mix with the big state schools like Florida State for rankings related to alcohol and drug consumption per capita. Despite the destruction of our brains and livers, many are now legitimate success stories. There's Alex, who co-founded <a href="http://www.dodgeball.com/">Dodgeball</a>, and then got purchased by Google. And <a href="http://www.monoki.com/">Kevin</a>, who designs sites for the NY Times and WSJ and other high profile clients. And me .... blogging .......
I just think it sets a good example for new generations that you can party hard, and work hard, and have that big NYC kind of success if you put your mind to it ... and, you're white. </div><div><br /></div><div>An hour or two into the festivities someone breaks out a pull-up bar. I don't have much to say about this except Caucasians doing pull-ups at parties are at high risk of receiving the Crackdown Aluminum:</div><div><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjL5PWAboTAaZnGTKK0FOERu_1c6tEOA8UPWvk94MRy54jLRsEUIkDwP7Td8LffYNSJRpP1WEoVn7CxmiFFNQGCoDMh566AyyxL3zUL6-11ZI3GlCCsmho-Qo66ZFf5xIAmDbGt/s1600-h/cracka-crackdown.gif" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}"><img alt="" border="0" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5132810534699566578" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjL5PWAboTAaZnGTKK0FOERu_1c6tEOA8UPWvk94MRy54jLRsEUIkDwP7Td8LffYNSJRpP1WEoVn7CxmiFFNQGCoDMh566AyyxL3zUL6-11ZI3GlCCsmho-Qo66ZFf5xIAmDbGt/s320/cracka-crackdown.gif" style="cursor: pointer; display: block; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center;" /></a>
Anycrazy, the drinks had been cheap, and K and I had been drinking for 5-6 hours straight without eating, so we were pretty lubed up by the wee hours. FRIENDS! So we decided to find some food ... as friends. And after eating we planned to go home .....NOT TOGETHER. Even though we were so drunk, and when I'm so drunk all I do is fantasize about food and .... FRIENDSHIP. I honestly don't remember learning anything about Vonnegut Saturday night, I think that element was part of some Nigerian Scam or something, but as I put K in a cab so she could go home, alone, I couldn't help but wonder what KV's thoughts on the friend zone were. From a look at the flyer methinks he probably had plenty of insightful thoughts on the subject.</div>T.A.N.http://www.blogger.com/profile/03386902584581113328noreply@blogger.com11